work stress

[Asher]

I am supposed to go back to work next Monday. My son will be eight weeks old (we've only ever been apart a few minutes) and I'm panicking. We desperately need the income, my husband works ft but around here it's nearly impossible to support a family alone. My mother will be the only one baby-sitting and she has seen, held or in some way interacted with Columbia since he was born so there's a connection between them. I only work 20hrs a week and I know that for what it is my situation doesn't get much better. But I hate it. I know it's a completely personal choice but could someone give me some advice or ideas on handling this separation or maybe we should move into the cheapest studio apt we can find and at least I can stay home with my baby?:confused:

[Asher]

Should I not have asked? I didn't mean to offend anyone or seem stupid and since I haven't had any responses at all maybe I did. If so, I'm sorry.

[Jessica]

Asher you totally should have asked. I'm sure people meant to answer but then forgot (like me). Also there are a lot of SAHMs on this board so maybe they were waiting for working moms to respond.

I wish I could wisk you up here to Canada where most moms get one year paid maternity leave.

What a hard decisions you must be making right now. Listen to your heart and you will most likely make the right choice. I believe you can be a great attached mom whether you work or whether you stay at home.

I live in an expensive city too. I know moms who live in small apartments so they can live off one income. They seem very happy with their decision. Living with less stuff can be very freeing. Many people are embracing the Simplicity movement. I live in a two bedroom but we're still all sleeping together. We've never had that beautifully decorated nursery that is supposed to be so important and we haven't missed it one bit.

How flexible are your work hours? Can your mom bring DS to you to nurse? Can you do any work from home? I'm sure you could find lots of ways to ease you son's transition to your new work routine. But, it's hard to give suggestions without more details.

Keep us posted on how things are going. I will make sure I reply so you aren't left hanging again.

[Asher]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I was actually hoping that the lack of response was partly due to sahms cuz that means so many women never had to deal with this and that makes me happy for them. I told my boss I can only work two days a week (Tues and Thurs) and that is my current "compromise" with myself. However, I may not have a job for long if I stick to that and I've decided that if I'm laid off because of it then my choice is really made. Unfortunately my breaks are only ten minutes so the stress of getting the baby there for them wouldn't really be worth it. He is now in his "I hate the car" phase. I only work five hours a night though so at least I won't miss many feedings at this point and I have a ton of bm in the freezer. I just hope I make it through tomorrow which will now be my first day back without too many tears.

[PaxMamma]

yes, i would say the lack of replies means that there aren't those who've been in your situation, not b/c it was inappropriate--it wasn't at all! good luck to you tomorrow!

[naomifrederickmd]

Hi Asher! I didn't reply because I have not hints or help for you. I am at home with the kids but I did take in a boy to babysit and bring in some cash. Tell your mom you will be calling a lot to see how thing are doing and she needs to get used to it! Does she have a web cam? I bet you can set it up so you can see him when she naps!
Its only half time and with your mother so that's not too bad! I would say that is ideal if you do go back to work with an infant! You WILL miss him horribly but she is somewhere safe and loving. I always tell my hubby that at least he gets to use the bathroom alone at work (I don't working at home) so enjoy those advantages. What do you do? Do you enjoy your work?

[Asher]

Well, I enjoy the short day and over all flexibility but the job is somewhat pointless. We answer phones and schedule people to go to our travel show. That's it. No computers, just a headset and a loose script. Wish they'd let me do that from home but for various reasons it doesn't work with how things are run. I just keep thinking it's only two days and that can't be too bad. As long as baby seems content I think I can manage.

[cmsobleo]

Asher,
You are not alone!
I am a working mom, also the primary breadwinner for our family and pretty much stuck working due to the enormous educational debt I accrued to get through graduate school.
I always intended to be a working mom. I always intended to use childcare. It was how I was raised, what was wrong with that.
Then I had Anna and my whole world turned on its ear. I went back to full time work after a 4 month maternity leave and fortunately for us, my husband was a stay at home dad with our DD until she was 2. I worried about the damage to our connection. I conceded she was probably going to be "daddy's girl". I did pump breastmilk which my DH then gave by bottle. I also continued to be the nightime parent. DO NOT sell that nightime parenting short. I came home my DD would nurse, we'd reconnect and I was hers until the next morning. I worked for us- she is "mommy's girl" all the way. My DH went back to work when our DD was two and a half. Then we had to deal with preschool/day care and unfortunately a wrong fit for our girl. We also had to deal with some medical issues that impacted her behavior and that ultimately turned out to be food intolerances- but we didnt know that then. At the end of every day my DD and I reconnect and I am still the nighttime parent. She is now 4 and in a preschool (during the school year) that she loves! My mother has watched her every other Saturday since my DH went back to work.(He works every Sat., I work every other) and they have a BLAST! My DD now asks when her next "Nana-Anna" day is- encourage the bond, be glad its your mom and not a stranger.
I am in the throws of looking for a new job and really would love to be able to be a SAHM. But unless we win the lottery or I can figure out a way to start my own work-from-home or child-friendly business that wont take ALL my time to get off the ground I must continue to work.
You're not alone. Your feelings are not unique. I only wish we did hear from more working moms on this forum and through API in general. Yeah, I know for the kids its best to be at home, but unfortunately life doesnt always make that possible.
Keep your chin up. Support your mom in bonding with your child and just keep doing "the AP thing" when you are home!
Good Luck!
Carrie - Anna's mommy

[Jessica]

Asher how did the first day at work go?

[Jessica]

I've read quite a few articles in "New Beginnings" magazine (La Leche League Publication) about moms going back to work/school. Maybe some of them would have some helpful info?

Here's the link:

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBworking.html

(Just posted this somewhere else in the forum too.)

[Asher]

Well, now that the first day is over it was better and worse than I imagined. Columbia slept, ate, played, slept. Didn't seem to bother him at all and that's wonderful. I text messaged, called, messaged, messaged, messaged, called, messaged. I was doing pretty good :p but then I got home, held him and sat down and cried with him. Oh, well, I think we will probably do alright with it once I get used to it. I couldn't wait to get to bed so we could just relax and cuddle and I could watch him sleep next to me. Thank you all so much for the support, it made me feel so much better.

[naomifrederickmd]

I am sure I would of done the same thing (crying cuddling)

[malayasmommy]

Hi Asher~
I went back to work 20 hrs/wk when my daughter was 7 wks old...I went back so early so that we could afford to have me work only 20 hrs! My husband works FT too, but we certainly can't afford for me to not work as we have a mortgage to pay! It was very tough--I cried for quite a few days each time I left her. What I make sure to do is to make every second with her count, we are constantly interacting, playing, hugging, kissing, singing etc (unless she tells me she needs some space, which she occasionally does). She is now 7 mos., I don't mind working, and I feel completely attached to my beautiful baby. I am fortunate that my parents take turns watching her for the 1.5 hrs until my husband comes home, and one wonderful piece about this is that my daughter has an amazing relationship with her grandparents. Of course, follow your heart to make your decision...but some mommy's HAVE to work and when that is the case you can still be just as attached as a mom who stays home FT. Just don't do what I did for a while--I spent my time w/ my daughter feeling sad and guilty! Now I know how quickly time passes and I just don't want to feel bad for any second I have with her. Enjoy the time you have with her, and know that you are doing the very best for you baby.

[Bikil]

Asher,
You are not alone!
I am a working mom, also the primary breadwinner for our family and pretty much stuck working due to the enormous educational debt I accrued to get through graduate school.
I always intended to be a working mom. I always intended to use childcare. It was how I was raised, what was wrong with that.
Then I had Anna and my whole world turned on its ear. I went back to full time work after a 4 month maternity leave and fortunately for us, my husband was a stay at home dad with our DD until she was 2. I worried about the damage to our connection. I conceded she was probably going to be "daddy's girl". I did pump breastmilk which my DH then gave by bottle. I also continued to be the nightime parent. DO NOT sell that nightime parenting short. I came home my DD would nurse, we'd reconnect and I was hers until the next morning. I worked for us- she is "mommy's girl" all the way. My DH went back to work when our DD was two and a half. Then we had to deal with preschool/day care and unfortunately a wrong fit for our girl. We also had to deal with some medical issues that impacted her behavior and that ultimately turned out to be food intolerances- but we didnt know that then. At the end of every day my DD and I reconnect and I am still the nighttime parent. She is now 4 and in a preschool (during the school year) that she loves! My mother has watched her every other Saturday since my DH went back to work.(He works every Sat., I work every other) and they have a BLAST! My DD now asks when her next "Nana-Anna" day is- encourage the bond, be glad its your mom and not a stranger.
I am in the throws of looking for a new job and really would love to be able to be a SAHM. But unless we win the lottery or I can figure out a way to start my own work-from-home or child-friendly business that wont take ALL my time to get off the ground I must continue to work.
You're not alone. Your feelings are not unique. I only wish we did hear from more working moms on this forum and through API in general. Yeah, I know for the kids its best to be at home, but unfortunately life doesnt always make that possible.
Keep your chin up. Support your mom in bonding with your child and just keep doing "the AP thing" when you are home!
Good Luck!
Carrie - Anna's mommy

I just read this thread and wanted to let you know that I didn't answer because I hadn't had time to get on API because I was working! Hee!

Also, aside from my daughter being 5 months old, this could have been me posting, so it was weird! I was home until she was 4 months and now my husband is staying home w/ her. I'm also the primary breadwinner because my husband is in school. It's been hard, but I feel good about her being home w/ Dad and I feel very good that I can pump for her and he can give her wonderful milk all day. The pumping helps me feel more connected to her too. The whole time I'm pumping I am thinking, baby girl, this is for you and I look @ her picture. It's nice to take these breaks throughout the day to think about her and reconnect w/ her in my mind no matter how stressed I might get @ work.
The other big thing that has helped us stay attached is the fact that we co-sleep. I love that connection we get all night. She still eats about 2-3 times a night so I'm waking up (albiet not completely most times) and popping a boob in her mouth and I feel that connects us even more. I can't imagine not having her in bed w/ me.
It's been wonderful for my husband too. He's developing a very cool connection w/ her and we really feel like we're a child guiding team. He will always have this time w/ her and will always have a special connection w/ her because of it and I love that!

Anyway, sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner and sorry you felt like your issue wasn't being responded too. But, as you can see, there are many of us out here and we're all doing well with our babies and you can too! You are very much not alone!

[skerika]

Asher,

You are not alone with the daycare thing. I attend grad school and take out student loans as an alternative to working fulltime. My 6 mo old baby girl Twila goes to daycare for a few hours, four days a week, I pump like crazy (it seems like a prison sentence sometimes) so she takes breastmilk with her. However lately she has cut the amount that she will take from a daycare worker in half. She has sometimes even refused. She seems to like them but clearly prefers me to them or anyone for that matter. I don't think that our bond has been affected but I do worry about the constant parenting advice I get from her primary worker. She is always giving me advice and comparing our babies. I sometimes want to scream, "We're not like you or anyone else who parents the "normal" way so PLEASE BE QUIET!" But I don't. I notice that they do let babies CIO sometimes and every once in a while when I pick up Twila she has tear crustiness. I also notice that they sometimes let the babies that feed themselves, feed themselves. and are not gentle and understanding is the baby needs attention while eating. They just plop them down in a highchair and leave them there to eat. Twila has begun baby led weaning and sooner or later she might need to eat while and daycare and I am horrified at the idea. This is the best rated daycare in Lafayette and I wonder if a daycare that uses a little more AP style in their infant room even exists. Anyway, she's done napping and I have to get some snuggling in before I take her to daycare, I just needed to vent and see of you or anyone else understand how I feel about this whole daycare sux situation.

[Asher]

Wow, I don't even know what I would do in that situation. It makes me want to cry just hearing about it. I always swore I would live in my car with my baby before resorting daycare but realistically we'd probably freeze in Montana in the winter. I would so look into other daycares, if nothing else at the worst they will be so bad that it will make yours look better. That's even more sad to think about. My sister in law used to run a daycare and I would never, ever leave my son alone with her, ever. She loves her nephew but I'd be physically sick at the thought. She has become immune to a baby crying from hearing it so much and having so little time to devote to individual children. I am soooo grateful to my mom for looking after Columbia while I work and hearing your story makes me think I have nothing at all to be upset about. I am just really sorry for you and your lo. But I'm sure you are repairing any damage done by being such a great ap mom every moment you get the chance! Huge hugs to you and your daughter. :hug

[naomifrederickmd]

I feel sad when I hear about care providers that have become immune to crying. I am sure they are burnt out themselves and could do with a sabbatical. I try to be a very responsive caregiver to the boy I sit for. Maybe we should start an AP for caregivers education certification and network?

[skerika]

Ok, I didn't mean to make it sound THAT bad. I mean they don't use the parenting techniques that we do but it is a good daycare. The problem is that daycare is just not good. Twila has bonded well to one woman in particular and she is happy to go there because she is not there for long. She only seems like she's been crying every once in a while. However I am going to try and avoid her having any meals there. Being that Twila is an AP baby she handles daycare much much better than the other babies who are there for 8 hours a day. They pretty much say that she is content and happy all the time. They respect that I let her nap and eat on cue and it seems that they have gotten to know her cues. But still the thought of her waiting more than a few minutes to eat makes me sad.

However I originally wanted to share that it has not affected our connection to be apart for school. I focus every moment we have into her health, happiness and growth. She amazes me with how happy and smiley she is all day. And soon she'll be at the daycare on campus and I'll be able to feed her between classes and lessen the amount of time we're apart. We don't have family here and I just don't know anyone who is available to care for her during school hours. Believe me that if we could survive without my student loan checks I would just stay home completely. We have decided that this is the best way for me to spend as much time with her as possible. I will take two years to finish grad school and then Daddy will stay home with her after that.

[naomifrederickmd]

Ok, I didn't mean to make it sound THAT bad.

Thats good!;)

[Asher]

That does make me feel better. AP certified caregivers are a fantastic idea!!! How do we do this?

[naomifrederickmd]

Yeah, like a course ! E-mail one of the headquarter people your ideas around that!

[PaxMamma]

That does make me feel better. AP certified caregivers are a fantastic idea!!! How do we do this?

i believe API is still offering the Professional Membership. this could be doctors, counselors, caregivers.

[naomifrederickmd]

Professional Membership. this could be doctors, counselors, caregivers.

Yes, but that dosn't mean they are "certified", just that they are interested and supportive. They don't have to take a test or 'prove' that they are familiar with AP behaviors. If I were looking for a caregiver for my children, it would be nice if they had taken CPR and a intro to babywearing, breastmilk management and gentle discipline primer! And if we could give classes in that -it might be a good way to find a caregiver with the resulting network....
Just Ideas.