Husband wants to go on vacation...

[momma2two]

This past September my husband and I had our 10 year anniversary. We didn't do anything 'big' because we have 2 little ones (at the time, they were 1 and almost 2). Lately he has been pushing for us to go away for a long weekend...and I really don't want to go. The youngest is still breastfeeding and co-sleeping. He has always, always been super supportive of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, etc. But lately he has said a few things like, "It would be good for her [B] to be away from you and to be used to being with someone else." :(

I really have appreciated his support and I'm disappointed to hear him say that I 'need' to leave her for a long weekend. I haven't been away from her for more than 2 hours at a time since she was born! We have had a chance to do dinner out alone a few times, and once we went to a movie. Usually these are scheduled for after she has fallen asleep with the hope that she will stay asleep while we're gone (and my mom is at the house with her).

When he has had to watch the girls on his own, he will tell me how difficult it was for me to be gone etc. etc. Last night he watched them in the evening and had to get B to sleep on his own. It was hard (according to him) so I said, "Can you see why I don't think it is a good idea to go out of town?" He said, "No, it seems like it is something you need to do more often so she gets used to other people."

I, of course, want to meet my husband's need for more time together away from the children, but I also want to meet my daughter's needs as well. For me, it is a no-brainer that my daughter's needs win right now. But I don't know how to help my husband understand that it just isn't time for a weekend away yet.

[apmommy]

What a quandry! You want to meet your husband's needs and respect his wishes, but at the same time you have the mama-urge to stay with your babies and not leave them.

Babies and children have survived through the ages because they have had a strong attachment for a caregiver, and have 'demanded' to have that person with them. Children don't understand that you are only going away for a weekend; they just know that the person who takes care of them isn't there.

Your mama-intuition is right, and you feel it. This time in their lives is very short. My son was always right on my lap, and I was encouraged to leave him with people. I only did it when I absolutely had to. People encouraged me, as your husband is, to leave him more often. I never did, and am glad. He is 4 and is sleeping in his own bed. This year he asked to go to preschool, so I sent him for 3 days a week, and now he is asking to go for more days. I think this is largely due to him being allowed as much mommy time as possible, and to leave when he was ready. I have also seen children who were 'taught' to be on their own, and they are understandably very clingy with their parents, whereas mine now have a comfortable relationship and know that mama will always be there for them.

My husband wanted the same thing, when our first was born. When she was 6 months old we went to dinner and a movie and I was a wreck the whole time, and didn't do it again for a long time. He wanted our second to go to daycare, fearing he would become a 'mamas boy.' Now that our 3rd is 2 years old, he sees firsthand how quickly they grow up and want to be on their own, and he wishes that he could turn back the clock so he could enjoy them more when they were little.

What I did with my husband was to do everything I could to reassure him that very soon we would have all the time we wanted to ourselves, but that *right now* these little people need us. I would sit and snuggle with him on the couch after the kids were asleep (sometimes with them asleep next to me, safely). I would cook his favorite meals, and encourage him to go out with his friends.

HTH :hug