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[smurfsammy]

Well I've finally started co-sleeping ever closer with my daughter. She's no longer in her little bed she sleeps right beside me and wow what a wonderful night sleep I get. However I'm running into a lot of critisism from many people and I'm just not sure how to deal with them. The other day my public health nurse was here telling me how dangerous co-sleeping is. That she can smother herself on my pillow(which i make sure is no where near her face), my breasts (I'm a size H, i unfortunatly can't move them), or get too hot from sleeping near me that SIDS is a concern. I try to ensure that she's not to hot and has no comforter on her just a thin sheet (but I have circulatory problems and need a comforter so I allow it over me but ensure that it only goes up to her hips if it's on her at all). Family members tell me I'm setting myself up for trouble. That she'll never want to leave our bed that she will become too attatched to me, yada yada yada. I've done some of my own reasearch (on this site and others) and am coming to the conclusion that I'm not the only one in the world who wants or feels the urge to do this. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can reduce my fears about hurting her and how to tell people to mind there own buisness?

[Giselle]

I have found that avoiding the topic or not even telling them how we all sleep helps. Sometimes it's hard to change people's mind, so we just don't talk it with them. When asked how the kids sleep, my response is usually, "They sleep great!" and move on...

Glad you are getting good sleep and enjoying cosleeping :)

[joey's mom]

Don't you love other people's opinions... UGH!!!

My response is, "we sleep better this way and it works for us." If people try to go on about it, I usually just repeat, "It works for us" and then change the subject.

I'll also explain that I am breastfeeding and that it is so much easier to have him in bed with me so neither one of us has to fully wake.

But, really... a lot of times I feel that I don't need to explain my parenting style, so I stick to "It works for us."

[PaxMamma]

when it comes to other people, it depends on what i'm feeling at the moment. am i needing to justify my own actions? if so, i move on, b/c i shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone. i then focus inward and look at why i have this need. maybe it's b/c i don't feel confident or well-read enough in my choices. so i read more, etc.

or, am i wanting to educate others? then i usually respond w/various co-sleeping facts, not wanting to change the other person's views, but merely to inform.

so first, decide what your motives are, then respond accordingly. here's a good article to help answer your ?s:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/artresponsecpsc2000.php

[rita]

I was really nervous when I started co-sleeping with my first baby, but as she got older, I got more confident. I agree with Giselle that I don't usually bring it up first, especially with people in the medical community or relatives who just aren't going to stop bugging me about it, but they ask first about what co-sleeping, I tell them. And if someone gets on my case about the safety risks, I say, "Well, it works for me." Also, you could try pointing the person to Dr. William Sears' Web site, or API's sleep guidelines, or another source that lists how to make co-sleeping safe.

[Megan]

I used to get negative reactions all the time about cosleeping. I don't anymore because everyone who knows me knows they will get quite an earful if they say anything. The first thing I always pointed out to the naysayers was that countries where cosleeping is the norm have much lower SIDS rates than the US, so how exactly does it raise the risk? Then I would point out that risk of suffocation has nothing to do with SIDS, if a baby suffocates that's a cause of death that can be identified and therefore by definition NOT sids. That was usually enough to stop most people in their tracks, as I have yet to meet anoyne who has a good response to that one. :) On the rare occasion people still wanted to argue about it I would just ask them if they wanted my advice on parenting, when they inevitably said no, I asked why they thought I wanted theirs? OK so that one's a little harsh and I don't recommend using it on friends, family or anyone else you don't want to alienate, but the only people who got that from me were strangers, so it was ok.:o

[Megan]

Oh and to answer the other question about reducing your fear of hurting your dd- here...this board...any other source of cosleeping information you can find. Seriously that is the only thing that reassured me was connecting with other cosleeping families. The answers you're getting here already are good, the only thing I can add is this- your instincts tell you that it is best for your dd to be near you, that tells me that you're a good mama and in tune with your baby, which in turn tells me that your instincts will not let you hurt your dd even while you are sleeping. You will be aware of her, just as she is comforted by being aware of you. Trust yourself, and try not to listen to people who say otherwise.:hug

[harmonicker]

I have found that avoiding the topic or not even telling them how we all sleep helps.
Ditto..we even had a baby room set up for a while for looks...LOL..then we took it down after about 6 months and just kept our mouths shut or made it a joke...:D

[kilijen]

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can reduce my fears about hurting her and how to tell people to mind there own buisness?


How often to you roll over the edge and fall out of bed? What? You never fall out of bed? And why is that....? Because you know where the edge of the bed is even when you are asleep! Well, you also know where your baby is, even when you are asleep. You are not going to roll over on top of your baby for the same reason that you are not going to fall out of bed.

[mummywarren]

Hello ladies. I'm new here but not to co-sleeping. I am a mother of 4 youngest is 3months. I co-slept with every one of them until they decided they wanted there own space. I bf so it just made sense to me. I did suffer the wrath of my mother for awhile with my first, we had to live with her for a few months and she kept trying to get me to lay her in the crib and let her CIO. OMG that was tough. After I left there I made up my mind to follow my own heart and instinct guided me to a total AP lifestyle with my family. My ds sleeps right next to me, sometimes between me and DH. If he breaths funny or moves it wakes me enough to check on him. It is just natural.
We don't talk about it with my family anymore, They are supportive of the Bfeeding, cding but my mother is always trying to get me to lay ds down. She likes my slings but doesn't understand why I carry him all the time. After 4 kids you think she would figure it out. lol
I'm so happy I found you ladies.

[skueppers]

There was a really worthwhile study done in Europe on SIDS recently, in which 745 SIDS cases from all over Europe were compared to control subjects.

They found that the safest place for a baby to sleep was in the same room with the parents, but not in the same bed. However, the increase in risk when the baby slept together with the mother in her bed was very slight as long as the mother was a nonsmoker, and went away entirely after the baby was 8 weeks old.

Carpenter, Irgens, Blair, England, Fleming, Huber, Jorch, Schreuder, “Sudden unexplained infant death in 20 regions in Europe: case control study.” Lancet 2004; 363:185-91.

I'm glad you've found a solution that is working for you! Remember that having decided to sleep with your baby in the same bed today doesn't mean that's what you'll be doing next week, next month, or next year. As your baby's needs change and your own needs change, you can re-evaluate and make sure that's still the best sleep arrangement for your family.

[Giselle]

They found that the safest place for a baby to sleep was in the same room with the parents, but not in the same bed. However, the increase in risk when the baby slept together with the mother in her bed was very slight as long as the mother was a nonsmoker, and went away entirely after the baby was 8 weeks old.

Carpenter, Irgens, Blair, England, Fleming, Huber, Jorch, Schreuder, “Sudden unexplained infant death in 20 regions in Europe: case control study.” Lancet 2004; 363:185-91.

Interesting.

It almost sounds like it's discouraging cosleeping (baby in bed with parents) because it's not safe? That's odd to me, since that seems to go against Dr. McKenna's findings.
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/aap.html

Here's a part from Dr. McKenna about another study which sounds similar to the one you posted about:
I challenge here the validity of the assumptions and ideologies which underlie recent recommendations most recently by Kemp et al (2000) and Carroll-Pankhurst and Mortimer (2001) against cosleeping in the United States, and specifically bedsharing, and show how scientific biases and a selective presentation and interpretation of data permit pro-crib sleeping researchers to accept accidental infant deaths or SIDS in cribs, as tragic “problems to be solved”, while simultaneously interpreting all bedsharing/cosleeping deaths … as inevitable, and “preventable”, as proof that all bedsharing should be recommended against. I suggest here that a scientific double standard is being employed in assessing the quality of data needed to make recommendations about sleeping arrangements: one standard for researchers who defend the rights of parents to choose to sleep with their children, using scientific data showing potential benefits, and another standard used by those making sweeping generalizations based on anecdotal and incomplete data. These incomplete data serve as the basis for unjustified public health recommendations against all or any cosleeping in the form of bedsharing.

This is part of a very interesting paper he wrote, "Goodnight Nobody? 100 Years of Of Medical Misrepresentations of Healthy Infant Sleep Behavior and Arrangements: Why We Never Asked, Is It Safe For Infants To Sleep Alone " which can be found on the link I gave above to his page.

[PaxMamma]

"permit pro-crib sleeping researchers to accept accidental infant deaths or SIDS in cribs, as tragic “problems to be solved”

this has always infuriated me. when babies die in cribs, no one says, "we have to get rid of all the cribs" (even though crib mattresses have been proven to release toxic chemicals). no one tells the parents they were negligent to put their baby there to begin with, yet the exact opposite is true of parents who cosleep.

i'd venture to say that no one who uses a crib ever researches whether or not is safe, but the majority of co-sleepers do. so the more-researched, thinking people are shamed. i think this speaks to a greater cultural issue: those who chose to think for themselves are shunned.

[apimarianne]

,

I was going to post the same study by Dr. James McKenna that Giselle did. His website is a great resource if your new to bedsharing/co-sleeping or just looking for more information.

When I run into criticism, depending on the sort of mood I am in, I mainly nod my head and say thank you. I feel confident in the choices I make as a parent and I greatly value the road I have traveled and the unique choices I have made that work for my family.

A personal story... my dad had always given me grief about bedsharing with my children. I paid him no mind, smiled, and continued sleeping with my babe. When I went into labor with my oldest son and left for the birth center, my oldest daughter crawled in bed with my parents who were staying with us, as it was the middle of the night. When they came the next morning, my dad whispered in my ear, "now I know why you like them sleeping with you - their sweet little snores, their warm little bodies curl right up next to you. Its the most peaceful feeling in the world." I couldn't have asked for a better way for him to change his mind! It didn't come from me trying to change his mind, it came from him experiencing it himself, which I feel is a stronger place anyway! He now tells all my siblings to sleep with their babies, its just great.

[harmonicker]

After 4 kids you think she would figure it out. lol

This always amazes me about extended family..I had to laugh.:giggle

[PaxMamma]

,
A personal story... my dad had always given me grief about bedsharing with my children. I paid him no mind, smiled, and continued sleeping with my babe. When I went into labor with my oldest son and left for the birth center, my oldest daughter crawled in bed with my parents who were staying with us, as it was the middle of the night. When they came the next morning, my dad whispered in my ear, "now I know why you like them sleeping with you - their sweet little snores, their warm little bodies curl right up next to you. Its the most peaceful feeling in the world." I couldn't have asked for a better way for him to change his mind! It didn't come from me trying to change his mind, it came from him experiencing it himself, which I feel is a stronger place anyway! He know tells all my siblings to sllep with their babies, its just great.

this is one of the most touching stories i have ever heard, i actually got choked up. thanks for sharing!

[AwakenedMama]

when babies die in cribs, no one says, "we have to get rid of all the cribs" (even though crib mattresses have been proven to release toxic chemicals). no one tells the parents they were negligent to put their baby there to begin with, yet the exact opposite is true of parents who cosleep.


I agree! It's interesting how everyone calls it SIDS instead of "crib death" like they used to!

I stopped having the concerns you have about other people giving me a hard time once I educated myself and was confident that my decision was the right one. If there is a reason to bring up our sleeping arrangement, I do not feel embarrassed or ashamed to do so. If I don't feel like discussing it, I don't bring it up. I find ways to mention that we co-sleep to new moms all the time, though, and find that many of them admit to me that they "secretly" co-sleep. On the rare occasions that someone actually does criticize it, I am well-informed and perfectly able to share my knowledge with them.

[skueppers]

It almost sounds like it's discouraging cosleeping (baby in bed with parents) because it's not safe?

Unfortunately, the study I cited has been used by the AAP to recommend against bedsharing (but in favor of having the baby sleep in the same room with the parents). However, I do not believe that was the intention of the study, nor did it appear to me from reading the paper that the authors were making assumptions about crib sleeping being the default sleep situation. The study covered a very wide range of factors that might have something to do with SIDS, including things like whether or not the family had moved since the baby was born.

The authors went out of their way to point out that the slight increase (over sleeping in the same room but not the same bed) in risk of SIDS during bedsharing that they found in their analysis disappeared after the baby was 8 weeks old, unless the mother smokes.

The reason I mentioned this study in this thread is that relatives who are concerned about SIDS might be reassured by the findings of such a large study published in such a reputable journal.

To put these findings into perspective, here are some things that had a much greater risk of SIDS than bedsharing in the first 8 weeks:

Baby was put down to sleep on their stomach
Mother smokes and bedshares (riskier than putting the baby down to sleep on their stomach!)
Mother is under the age of 21
Mother has previously had more than 4 live births

[Giselle]

I think I'd point concerned relatives though to Dr. McKenna's site instead. Only because I can see people taking the study to mean (just like the AAP did) that bedsharing is unsafe or that cribs are safer. Those first few weeks are when a baby and mother could really use and benefit from cosleeping.:sleep

Here are other links that I think would be good to use for concerned friends and relatives:

http://askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/artbenefitscosleep.php

And ofcourse, anything on Dr. McKenna's site. I'd throw in there too that he's the Director of The University of Notre Dame Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Lab.