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DWD: Is your discipline style working?

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  • DWD: Is your discipline style working?

    Hello All,

    Pgs 30-32:
    Results of short run goals:
    Does your child do as you or your partner asks 80 percent of the time without arguing, whining, or sulking?

    A "yes" or "no" answer is irrelevant. The answer to the question depends on your child's age, temperament, personality, and emotional state. Children are still acting like, well, children. They make mistakes, learn how people and things work, and are not perfectly behaved half the time. For a child under five, a 40 percent "yes" answer is age-appropriate.

    Results of long run goals:
    You will know your parenting is working if you can answer "yes" to most of the questions, most of the time. Keep in mind that children gain these characteristics as they age. There will be more "yes" answers for older children than for young children.

    * Does your child come to you to ask questions about sex, drugs, alcohol, peers, and life, at least once a week?

    * Does your child listen to how you feel? Does your child care about how you feel? Does you child change his behavior because of how you feel, without the use of threats, punishments, or bribes?

    * Does your child listen to your opinions, values, and beliefs with understanding?

    * Does your child resolve conflicts with other children, including siblings, with respect, fairness, and a solution that is win-win for everyone?

    * Does your child talk out conflicts with you with respect and a focus for finding solutions for everyone?

    * Does your child know they can come to you for help for any reason, any time?

    * Does your child share problems, anger, jealousy, joy, excitement, and most of his feelings with you?

    * Is your child honest with you?

    * Is your child happy to be himself?

    * Does your child have friends that are kind and respectful to him?

    * Is your child responsible to other people, teachers, employers, and volunteer committments?

    * Does your child show empathy and concern for other people's plight?

    * Does your child value your family and feel that he belongs?

    * Does your child come to you for comfort if he is upset, sick, or hut?

    * Is your child free to express all his emotions in your presence, and do you validate them?

    * Does your child listen to his "gut feelings" about adults' interest and follow what his intuition tells him, rather than blindly obey any adult?

    * Does your child do the right thing, even when no one is watching?

    * Does your child help other people without being told to do so?

    * Does your child listen to your teaching and try to implement it even when you are not present?

    * Does your child learn from mistakes and still feel good about himself?

    * Is he optimistic about other people, the world, and the impact he can have?

    * Does he drop risky behaviors after an initial experimentation?

    * Does your child find more than one solution to any problem?

    * Does your child assert his needs to others?

    * Does your child have the appropriate manners, language, and social skills for the occasion or sitation he is in ?

    * Does your child obey the law, even when no one is watching?

    * Does your child know unwritten social norms and obey them, even when no one is watching?

    * Does your child learn appropriate life skills and academic skills, as per his age?

    * Does your child enjoy spending time with you, even when with peers?

    * Does your child speak to you with respect, including no backtalk or attitude?

    * Does your child respect others property, your property, and the environment?

    * Does your child pitch in with household tasks and chores without being asked?

    * Does your child occassionally do things to please you without being asked?

    Rather than looking at what you are doing as a parent, what do you see in your children? What do you need to work or where do you need to make changes... Take an evaluation every year or so and see where changes are in order. Work on a small change at a time. Too many at once, the shotgun approach, can be very discouraging for the child and parent.

    ***
    For me, I know I need to work on the "Does your child speak to you with respect, including no backtalk or attitude" but I also know that she is still learning what this means as well... we have to find a better way of guiding her to this. I also need to work on when I am stressed, overwhelmed, or triggered on "Is your child free to express all his emotions in your presence, and do you validate them?"

    What areas do you see need more work for your family?

    As Always,
    Stephanie

  • #2
    We're struggling with the same thing, Stephanie. Not so much "balk talk", but just ignoring requests or getting angry at being asked to do something. It feels like a stage to me, like an exploration of herself as an individual, rather than a true discipline thing. I don't know if that makes sense?

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    • #3
      Yes, it makes total sense although I do see reflected back to me in her back talk my own tone of voice being used and so I have to work on my talking to her. You don't even realize how disrespectful something sounds until it is reflected back at you! It is getting better and after reading more in the book I am realizing to say it to her the way I want to hear back so that she understands. This is exactly what you knew to do when they were 2 but for some reason when she reached preschool age, it seemed like it was forgotten and you have to be reminded of it again :-)

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      • #4
        Originally posted by JustPeachy View Post
        Yes, it makes total sense although I do see reflected back to me in her back talk my own tone of voice being used and so I have to work on my talking to her. You don't even realize how disrespectful something sounds until it is reflected back at you! It is getting better and after reading more in the book I am realizing to say it to her the way I want to hear back so that she understands. This is exactly what you knew to do when they were 2 but for some reason when she reached preschool age, it seemed like it was forgotten and you have to be reminded of it again :-)
        Oh, yeah! I am SOOOOO there with you. It's my tone back at me that irritates me the most. And we need reminding now too!

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        • #5
          LOL... I was just *reminded* of this tone yesterday and it was actually something that we smiled at together in an ironic way.

          Comment


          • #6
            My husband has been saying (in frustration) to me and my daughter that he is not "servant boy". It's kind of a half-funny, half-true reminder. Well, now she has started saying to me when I ask her to do something "I'm a kid, not your servant". Oy vay! It's funny in a way, but still! So I sat down with both my husband and my daughter and asked them to both find a different way to communicate that they are feeling overwhelmed with requests. It's amazing how they pick up all those little things you say and do when you are frustrated! I let out a frustrated loud grunting noise once, and now she does it all the time!

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