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What prevents us from a fully authentic adult relationship?

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  • What prevents us from a fully authentic adult relationship?

    We often work so hard on being authentic and present for the kids -- after all, we're AP! But what prevents us from taking those steps in our couples relationships?

    Time? Exhaustion? Too much baggage?

    After I'm finished a day of kids and/or work, I'm too tired to really put much more into my partnership with DH. I just dont have much reserves left. We do have date night every two weeks and that's something, but not enough!

    What do you do?

  • #2
    What really matters?

    Sometimes we're working hard at our relationships - and sometimes we're just working hard without stopping to think,
    'What really matters here?'
    I read somewhere that the modern woman spends more time doing housework than her grandmother did - an amazing thought with all our technological assistance!

    What do you find is eating into your time ?

    Val


    http://attachmentparenting.org/forum...ies/juggle.gif

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    • #3
      Commuting, in general, eats into my time. Communicating/staying in touch (often online) is another big place my time goes. Thinking about it, I guess I'm really missing some proximity!!!

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      • #4
        For me, I find myself just feeling like I have nothing to say to my husband without it being focused on my daughter, the house, finances, etc. I don't really have that much to talk about peresonally since I'm focused so much on caring for our daughter, maintaining the finances, and finding time for myself.

        When we go on occasional dates, it's just the same. We just don't seem to have to talk about and that worries me. He doesn't even notice at times subtle changes I make to better our relationship, romance, or attractiveness together. When we used to date prior to becoming parents, we would hike, play racquetball, go bike riding... do a lot of athletic stuff. This required taking up a whole afternoon. We've tried to incorporate this as a family but with my daughter only being 5 years old, it doesn't last long and we end up frustrated. We don't have the means to pay a babysitter for a whole afternoon and we don't trust my uncle's family to treat her with respect for a whole afternoon and they are not as careful about her deadly allergies.

        Any suggestions for this type of scenario.

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        • #5
          What I sometimes glean from couples is that they feel setting time aside for themselves means several hours... and that is hard to come by for most of us. We might be able to do that once every two or three months!
          What if you connect, really connect for just five minutes? It's great to have 30 minutes or several hours, but I that's not required. What about five minutes of sharing what you really love about each other? Or you could pick another topic, e.g., my fondest memory of our dating years was....; I felt close to you when...; I look forward to .....
          Just a few minutes sharing meaningfully, really listening to each other without any criticism, blaming, or judging can do wonders for a relationship!

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          • #6
            appreciating your partner

            Try giving yourselves a few minutes a day to find at least one thing to appreciate about your partner that you've never expressed before.
            In Imago we mirror this back - it's amazing how hard to is to let the good stuff in sometimes!

            Val

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            • #7
              Daily appreciations

              I so want to reinforce that idea, Val. Sharing appreciations are good for the recipient, and also good for the one giving the appreciation. We are learning more and more about those positive emotions and how they affect our overall sense of well-being.

              Gratitude is extremely influential! When we truly focus on someone we appreciate, and experience the heart-felt sense of gratitude/appreciation, our breathing and heart rate can become more synchronized! This actually feels good...it's not relaxation per se, but rather a heightening of positive emotions. One feels at peace and energized at the same time.

              This may not happen in every instance, but such feelings can be fostered. So when you tell your partner, "I appreciate your sense of humor," really focus on the laughter, the smile you see on your partner's face. Check in with yourself: How do I feel after giving that appreciation? Those positive emotions are contagious!

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