Then, less then a month ago, my 18 year old stepson was killed in a car crash.: We all went down to north Florida for his wake and funeral, and I had nobody to leave DS with. The closest possibility was my mom, who he is familiar with, but she was 6 hours away and couldn't come on such short notice. So I brought him with us.....we ended up finding out the day of the wake that there were some moms in the nursery watching the kids....this lady took us over there, and DS would NOT let go of my leg. I've never seen him do that before! The lady kept telling me, just go, he'll be fine after a few minutes and if he's not I'll come and get you. I was like: uh, no. So I hung around and tried to get him comfortable, but he never went more than a few steps away from me. I know this had mostly to do with he knew that something was very wrong: he had seen all of us crying at one point or another over the previous few days, and on the way there I felt that sombody could have seriously cut the sadness in the car with a knife. It was thick and gloomy, to say the least. So, he knew something was wrong, and the nursery was also two buildings away, down this dark hallway, and most of the kids in there were a bit older and quite rowdy...AND my ds was also on antibiotics, fighting off bronchitis and slight pneumonia(talk about great timing)....so put all of that together, and of course it's no wonder he wouldn't let me leave. I ended up taking him back to the church with me, so that I could be there at least a little to support DH, and I wanted to pay my respects as well. We ended up popping in and out of the church, walking around outside, going back in....but then after the first time of doing this DS adamantly refused to go back in there...so I wasn't around much for DH that day, but he was fine with that. He had so much wonderful support. But I was hoping that since we had hung out in the nursery for a bit, it might help ds be more comfortable the next day....that was not the case. I explained to him on the way there that mama had to be with daddy for a little while, and he was going to play with kids! He didn't seem to care at all, and when we got there, he acted slightly less attached to me than the day before, but still when I went to leave, he got upset and wouldn't let me go. I got down on his level, and explained again, and he wasn't going for it. So not knowing what else to do......while a lady distracted him with cereal I slipped out the door. : I would never in a million years have done this if I felt I had any kind of choice. I HAD to be there for my husband, as this was so far the saddest day of his life(mine too). And there was no way ds could have been in the church with me. The lady there had given me her daughter's cell phone to keep with me(I thought this was so nice since mine had NO signal where we were), so that they could get in touch with me if need be. I kept looking for an opportunity to go and check on ds, but everyone was so intense in their grief and their kind words about my stepson, that I really felt it would have been rude to get up and walk out....plus DH really needed me there. So a little over an hour later, I ran to the nursery to find ds sitting in one of the ladies' laps, watching Blues Clues, which ordinarily makes him very happy....but he was FUMING. I have never seen my baby with such an angry look on his face. And I was dismayed to find a couple of tiny scratches on his forehead, they said that he was mad and banged his head against the carpet and gave himself rugburn. They said he was fine "other than that", and that he even took a nap(which was shocking, since at the time he really only went to sleep while nursing). I went to him and it took him a second to hug me, he seemed very angry and almost disbelieving that I had come back. :
I am crying as I write this, because I am re-living everything and I feel like I really betrayed him. But I didn't know what else to do! Ever since then, we have been going to my inlaws' church because it has been really helping my DH to cope with everything. But everytime I go to leave ds in the nursery(with more familar people), he wraps himself around my leg. So I've been staying in there with him... I really don't mind, I really wasn't a regular church-goer before all this, I would just like to be there for emotional support for my DH, since Sundays are especially hard for him. But I was there for the important part, and now it's time to be there emotionally for my baby. I'm just wondering if this was something that he would have most likely gone through anyway, and this just accelerated it, or if it was brought on by this alone. I guess there is no way to tell, but either way, I want to know if there is anything that I can do to help him get over this, so that he'll be ok if I need to leave him for a little while. It will probably take some time, I'm sure. But I will do whatever it takes...it kills me to think that I betrayed him in a way.
And now we are going into our 4th night of nightweaning....I'm wondering now if maybe I started this too soon in lieu of everything that's happened.....but it's certainly not like I'm leaving him to cry by himself. Every night has been pretty much the same, 5-10 minutes of crying and protesting when he wakes up the first time, then falling asleep on my shoulder in the rocking chair, then when he comes to my bed there is another 5 minutes of crying/being angry while I try to comfort him, and then he's been just going to sleep on his own. The crying hasn't lessened or lengthened, it's been about the same. And after he falls asleep the second time he's been staying asleep till about 6 or so, except for yesterday when I gave in and fed him at 5:30(he had barely eaten dinner the night before). BUT I will say that his temperament during the day has been pretty much *normal*(whatever that means for a two-year-old, lol); no excessive acting out, tantrums, etc. So I'm glad about that.....
Sorry this is so long ladies.....I hope nobody berates me for this, I really did not know what else to do in my situation. Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!