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This kid is NOT mine! Trouble bonding.

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  • This kid is NOT mine! Trouble bonding.

    I have a ten year old daughter, a 17 month old son and I now have a new son. He is 4 weeks old. I feel no connection to him at all. I feel nuts! I breastfeed, we have a family bed and I wear him throughout the day, but honestly I feel almost like he is a little intruder who has totally thrown our lives off. YES, he was planned. I feel like a terrible person for being like this. He is not a difficult baby at all, in fact he is quiet peaceful. I feel like every day that passes is another lost chance to bond. He was not premature, he did not spend time in the NICU. I feel like someone left this kid at my house. What the heck is wrong with me?

  • #2
    I can say that with both my sons I felt a little off -like you describe- at first. I did have a little birth trauma (unnecessary c-section with first and unnecessary 3 day NICU stay with the second) but I wouldn't necessary only blame that for all my feelings. I wouldn't describe myself as a lover of the newborn, and feel much more at home with a year old child. With your first two children did you feel everything as 'right'. Could you possibly be having PPD? Yes, you can have that regardless of everything going perfectly!
    Here is a link-
    Think about iron deficiency or other self-care you may be neglecting.
    Do you have some real-life support?


    • #3
      I think that there are lots of weird feelings and thoughts that come along after we give birth. I think some of them are a normal reaction to the fact that we are taking on such a momentous task when we become a mother and a mother for the second (third, fourth....) time. I think there are not only physical changes that occur in our bodies as we become mothers but also physical changes that occur in our brains.

      I guess the trick is to know when normal weird feelings turn into PPD. (Hopefully that's where Naomi's link comes in )

      It seems that many birth books (especially the ones us AP types tend to read ) imply that as long as the baby is wanted and the mother has a respected/empowered birth that she will quickly love and bond with her baby. I don't think it is always true and it bothers me that things are portrayed so simply. The one book that I've read that talks about some of this stuff is Misconception by Naomi Wolfe. I haven't read it for a long time but I recall her saying it's not uncommon for some women to take a long time to begin loving/bonding with their baby and that some women feel as if the baby is not theirs. (Though, I think this is the only redeeming feature of the book. The rest of the book is a really depressing review of the American medicalized approach to birth, a topic which has been covered better by many other authors.)


      • #4
        I also felt distant for the first few months of DS life. I did care about him, I wasn't down or depressed in anyway - just detached. It was like my body and brain were going on autopilot. I got things done. I cuddled, fed and took care of him. But didnt really feel any connection. I don't know when that changed. There was no moment as such. One day I just looked back on it and realized that I didn't feel that way anymore. Its actually really common. When I finally got up the courage to talk to some people about it I found out that lots of people I know felt the same way. I looked through all of the PPD info and other than feeling detached I had no other signs.

        Make sure you do look into PPD because if it is that then there are things that can be done to help you. Talk to your Dr or a close friend about your feelings, it does help.

        I know its hard. You sound like a lovely Mum, having these feelings does not mean that you love your LO any less. Things will get better.


        • #5
          I had that with one of my children and it was so weird. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Most of the time it is hormone levels, a bit of depression afterward and of course being used to a routine then having it completely changed about on you.

          I have seen a lot of mums detached even more when it is their second, third and so forth because they don't have the time to really bond and get close when they have other children, and some mothers are so close to their previous child, children that subconsciously don't want to take away from that.

          For me the child I had this with was two decades ago and one day it clicked. Everything fell into place.
          Keep an eye out for PPD as the other mums have said. Take your time getting to know this person and let them get to know you.

          Keep posting and talking and it will help you work through your feelings.

          Peace & Blessings,