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NOT Trusting MIL - sorry super long and perhaps confusing post

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  • NOT Trusting MIL - sorry super long and perhaps confusing post

    First Id like to thank everyone for their posts, as I have been reading for the last two days and have learned a lot.

    I do not have any friends besides the midwife who delivered my precious little daughter who is 20 months old, my mother and my sister and my finace. We could say that my MIL is a friend too - but that just makes things confusing, i love her but i do not understand her and why she does certain things.

    I am sorry for the long post and thank you for taking the time to read it and sorry if I repeat myself. I am trying to understand and clear this up in my head as I right.

    I am living with my inlaws and have been for the last 22 months, we moved to France (fiance french me canadian/hungarian), we were supposed to live with his parents for a couple of months and then get our own place. That didn't happen.

    My MIL loves me very much, I know that, i know she doesn't understand me and why i do things the way I do but she tells my fiance that I am a great mom. She was also supportive of my homebirth and nursing on depand and a lot of other things, i still carry my daughter if she doesnt walk and only use my running stroller for runs and only take her for runs if she wants to. She also loves my daughter, like every grandma, BUT since my daughter was three months old she's been doing things that I believe jeopardize the safety and emotional well being of my daughter. I have too many to list but here are a few that stick out. At three months she stood my daughter up and my daughter cried for 1 hour after this happened and fell asleep nursing and crying (she always falls asleep nursing to this day but never crying, she wouldn't stop crying) I was right there when i happened, she has never seen me stand her up, if i recall she was barely holding her head up and sitting. I have repeatedly asked her to hold my daughters hands in the dining room because there are very sharp corners and stairs that are not blocked off and marbel floor - we didn't block the stairs because someone is always supposed to be holding her hand because the stairs are super dangerous- yet since my daughter has started walking and we spend time in the dining room, my MIL still doesn't hold her hand to this day. I also asked he to always be holding her hand and be next to her within centimeters/inches near stairs, and there are stairs everywhere, she still doesn't, she'll leave her next to the stairs by herself. I know that i should not put my daughter in those situations and believe me i spent months in the bedroom with my daughter because i was tired of saying "please hold her hand", i no longer allow my MIL to be with her without me there, but each time we go to the living room or dining room i am just really hoping that my MIL will just respect my wishes. I actually moved out into the poolhouse and that is the only place i leave them two alone, there are no stairs or nothing dangerous because I safety proofed everything. We also specifically told her to always hold her hand around the swimming pool, she didn;t she decided to sit her down and blow bubbles, yeah i snapped.,

    But this isn't my biggest problem. I know I have issues, big issues about safety, I am a pilot so everything for me is safety first. Anyting I see is all about safety.

    So I know that living with my inlaws changes a lot of things but as I said i have no friends so I don't know what other inlaws do. But what really scares me is when my MIL turns her back and walks away with my little girl and doesn't tell me where she's going or what she is doing. My daughter has only been away from me for a couple of hour due to surgery the other I was always within 5 meters where she can see me unless I am having a shower. I only left her alone with my MIL in the first 6 months and very very rarely when I really had no choice. So every time she has ever turned her back on me with my daughter and walked off even if it was a couple of meters and this has happened a lot I literally break down.

    Ok so today i went into the kitchen it was very late but my fiance's brother is visiting so i went to say hi- they were out all day and the only time he can see her is late. My daughter was very happy to see grandma and her uncle but she is still afraid and shy of him. My MIL picked my daughter up - which i have no problem with because if my daugther wants to be picked up, she is, unless someone is injured and unable to or has a very valid reason. So she took her to her uncle ( i stood in the kitchen she turned her back and walked away from me without saying a word to me) and and she took her very close to him like right next to him which I have never done because I listen to my daughters cues and feel her body and she is not comfortable around him yet. my daughter looked back at me with these weepy scared eyes and was reaching for me. I literally grabbed her and stomped off, with my daughter now all confused. Now I specifically told everyone that my daughter gets what she wants-within reason but when she is scared we comfort her not throw her in the situation. if she is afraid of my mother then i will wait till she is comfortable to bring her close to my mother or whoever it is but i do not put her into a situation where she has to do something. Now of course I had to go back and explain why i did what i did because the whole family as confused because the uncle and MIL thought my daughter was ok. They still do, so did i see it wrong maybe.

    I know I have trust issues, obviously because she never listens to me.
    I am lost with my MIL, what am I supposed to do. Everything that I ask her not to do with my little girl she does it anyway, yet she says she respects me.

    Oh and to top it all off because i am so stressed out all the time and because I suppress all these emotions I end up yelling and sometimes even screaming at my daughter which goes against all my morals and I can't forgive myself. I do not believe that because I am exhausted since i spend 24/7 with my daughter that gives me an excuse to yell. I always clearly explain to her that I am not angry at her and tell her I am sorry a million times which i know is over kill but really there is never any reason for me to scream and yell or spray her with water just because I snap, and literally it happens within a second. I was never like this.

    Well if i did not make sense i will try to clear it up. I feel like i need professional help, i do not want to be so explosive, I was never like that before, My inlaws and fiance are very explosive and loud and my mom said that it rubbed off on me because before i was a calm relaxed lovely human now I am a complete mess.

    Thank you again you are all so wonderful and thank you for creating such a lovely forum .

  • #2
    You sounds very stressed. The things you mentioned in your post...moving over seas, living with your mother-in-law, and not having any friends or support network of other moms are all huge stressors. Just based on this post, some things jump out at me are...

    It sounds like it would be very much worth the investment, for the sake of your nerves and sanity, to thoroughly babyproof the house. Not just the pool house (where you might go to feel safe but then also isolated), but the main house where everyone spends most of their time. It would be good for your daughter to be able to explore her enviroment, as toddlers are apt to do, without constantly being told no, redirected, or cautioned with hand-holding. This hinders her developing self-confidence. Babyproofing for her safety would also put your mind at ease, and help you feel less stressed about this particular issue.

    If I'm understading this right, you don't trust your mother-in-law for a couple of reasons:
    1. your concern that she's not keeping your DD physically safe from the many hazards of the house
    2. your concern that she will put your DD in an emotionally upsetting situation (like being around someone with whom your daughter is uncomfortable).

    For problem 1, see "Babyproofing" comment above! Babyproofing the environment will help you feel more comfortable in this respect. For problem 2, it would help to have an honest, respectful conversation with your family members. It sounds like most of the "talking" about this issue so far has mostly been yelling and angry words. Nonviolent Communication is a great resource for learning how to have difficult conversations; you may start there. It sounds like your DD feels comfortable with your MIL, is there another reason you are upset when she walks into a different room with her? Does she ever leave the house without telling where they are going?

    Your fiance...what is his involvement with this situation? When and how often does he see your DD? What does he think about the safety issues in the house? What is his relationship with his mom like? Is he willing to help you discuss things with her and come to some mututal care-giving agreements?

    Talk to someone
    It is so important to have a network of friends to support you during tough times! It would be worth it to get to know some people in your area and find a group of friends you feel comfortable with. I've even found it possible to look beyond parenting differences for the sake of friendship. It's that important. Either that or, like you say, meet with a professional for help dealing with strong emotions, anger, never hurts to talk to someone!

    Take a break
    Caring for someone 24/7 is very demanding on your emotions, patience, energy, and overall happiness. Be sure to take some time for yourself. If you're not comfortable leaving your DD at home with your MIL while you get out for a while, maybe you could find another caregiver who could take her for an hour or so? Or a healthclub or a preschool or something like that to give you a much-needed coffe break to clear your head and get centered. Moms need time like that to continue being the best moms we can...add yourself to the priority list and don't feel guilty about it!


    • #3
      Thank you Kelly, I actually talked to her and asked her to tell me where she is going from now on and so far so good.