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some reassurance and advice

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  • some reassurance and advice

    Hi all,
    You were all so helpful when I last wrote that I thought I would write again and 'reach out'! as another mummy put it. My little girl is 19 months now and although we are definitely having some better nights she still wakes a lot. I generally go and sleep with her if she is having a night where she wakes a lot, otherwise I settle her with a pat and soothing words and go back to my bed until the next wake...
    She is generally a very happy, funny and bright little girl but is really very shy with other children, mainly her peers. even the very gentle ones she seems to shy away from and is very clingy with me a lot of the time. She is noticeable more clingy than the other babes I know. Some are a few months older, months that can obviously make a big difference, but I worry that because I have to stay with her when she goes to sleep that it is affecting her general confidence.
    I know she is still very young and all the babes have very different personalities but I was wondering if other parents had very shy, clingy babes and whether they were co-sleepers or stayed with them when they went to sleep?
    She does have a much older sibling (my step-daughter) who is 18 and we have a pretty busy household with family and friends and teenagers coming ang going, which she seems to love! its just when we go to playgroups or meet with other mums and babes that she gets very clingy and wont leave my side.
    I am sure it is jus her personality and that she come out of her shell when she is good and ready but I would be interested in others thoughts.

    Thanks again X

  • #2
    Lanasmum, here are some responses from the Facebook page on this post:

    1. We coslept and our son is very outgoing and friendly. I think if your kid needs the extra snuggles at night they should get it. I doubt at 19 months that would be contributing to her shyness, if anything I think it would make her feel more confident and secure.

    2. I stay with my 17 month old at night, we cosleep. During the day she's recently decided to put herself to sleep, much to my surprise. She's very outgoing, shy isn't a word that even remotely applies to her. Don't know if that helps at all but that's our experience :-)

    3. I co slept 2 years w my oldest and he has never met a stranger. My youngest I haven't co slept w (he enjoys his own bed) and he's a shy guy

    4. Both of our boys co-sleep with us and one is a little shy at first, the other is very outgoing. I think it also depends on their personality.

    5. I think being shy or outgoing or somewhere in the middle is just a personality trait they're born with. My 8 month old definitely is in the midst of separation anxiety but when we're out at the grocery store or other public place, she's making googly eyes at everyone she sees and giving them big smiles... she is definitely extremely outgoing, even at this young age. I think that the shy and/or timid children definitely need the security and predictability even more from their parents! Keep following your intuition

    6. I co-sleep with my 3 1/2 yo daughter and my 11 mo son. Cecelia can be shy depending on the situation, but she is generally very social and would probably leave with a stranger. Lately however she has been a little clingier, wanting to be with me or my husband (won't stay with Gramma). My son is friendly too (as long as I am there). I think styaing with your baby while she falls asleep is going to make her feel more secure and confident, not the opposite.

    7. I have a very independent and outgoing toddler in my bed

    8. I stay with both kids until they're asleep (and we bed share). Every single night. The oldest is very shy, was a clingy baby and is quite reserved in unfamiliar places. My youngest is friendly, outgoing and a bit aggressive. Just different people!

    9. I'm a first time mom of an almost ten month old. My personal experience is obviously limited but we have shared a bed since she was born and nursing/sleeping is the ONLY time she is not out and about, crawling at lightening speed, engaging people with smiles and babbling, exploring every little piece of her world. I often think, "I'm so glad we nurse or I'd never even get a snuggle!"

    10. I co-sleep with both of my children most of the time. My son occasionally will chose other places to sleep in the house like the couch. My daughter is extremely outgoing and my son only has some shy bouts for the most part outgoing. Never thought about the co-sleeping/shy connection. Will be thinking about where he slept when he gets shy.

    11. We cosleep or stay with our son until he falls asleep. He is 25 months and the most independent socialable little boy

    12. Mine is 5. Still sharing the same bed. The farthest thing from shy there is...

    13. I co sleep with my kids and neither is shy. My son is the most outgoing child (preschooler) I know. I love the cuddles we get. My daughter is only 9 months she is also very social and outgoing but definitely wants more cuddles (as did my son at this age). Both of my kids love people, are very curious and love to explore, and also love to have their momma and snuggle times. They are also very close to their dad (poppa) as well.

    14. I agree with someone earlier that it's more of a personality trait. I don't think co-sleeping would contribute to shyness or outgoingness. I do think co-sleeping will make them feel more secure. Just love your baby and enjoy her and do what feels right for u and her and forget about any supposed rules. You know your child.

    15. I don't co-sleep..but I hold or lay with my son until he is asleep every single night... and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, I go lay with him again until he falls back asleep... he is the most stinking outgoing, happy, independent 1 year old I have ever met!

    16. I co slept with my daughter till she was 2.5 yrs old. Even though she's in her own room she still needs me to sit with her before nap and bed time. She is so outgoing but needs me at those times. She is now nearly 4 and I'm still doing it. I also co sleep with my 4 months and we will just have to wait and see whether he needs it just as long.


    • #3
      I have co-slept with my daughter since she was born (now 3 years, 9 months), nursing her to sleep until recently and responding quickly at every peep. She was an extremely shy, clingy baby, which peaked around 15-18 months. By 2, I started to see a decline in the clinginess, but she was still pretty shy. Somewhere between 2 and 3, though, she transformed into an extremely outgoing, friendly, sociable child. I'm actually pretty shy myself, so she isn't imitating me. She went from a baby who would cry if strangers looked at her to a child who greets anyone and everyone. She is especially interested in other kids, and strides right up to introduce herself and ask for their names and whether they want to play. She's really chatty in general, and clearly craves social interaction.

      If anything, co-sleeping may strengthen the infant attachment which can have the effect of intensifying normal toddler behaviors -- such as separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. Those normal phases tend to attract criticism and self-doubt, especially when they seem on the extreme of the spectrum, but that strong attachment then becomes security as the child grows and they will feel safe in exploring the world however their personality is suited to exploring it -- boldly, or with some caution.


      • #4
        Once again thanks to all who replied. Everything you have said affirms everything my instincts are telling me, namely to snuggle my daughter as long as she needs it. I think I just need to be less defensive about co-sleeping and be more confident that I know what she needs.

        Its a breath of fresh air hearing from you all!

        M x


        • #5
          THanks soooo much for saying this Caprine...thanks

          If anything, co-sleeping may strengthen the infant attachment which can have the effect of intensifying normal toddler behaviors -- such as separation anxiety and stranger anxiety.

          makes so much sense in my situ and given me the boost I needed this morning. My frustration has been uncomfortably deep, with my daughter's 'extreme' reactions - that i have been yelling sometimes and upset with it - resulting in me feeling like a terrible (attachment/PD/peaceful) parent and I have been in tears this morning. Learning this has already lightened my frustration, that I HOPE will start to subside, so I can be more empathetic and present.

          thanks xxxxxxx