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Sharing is difficult for my daughter...

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  • Sharing is difficult for my daughter...

    We woke up today with crying and shouting and weeping because of an argument between my girls for a doll. I have three children: 8yr DS, 5yr DD1 and 2.5DD2. DD1, as a second, lives with the belief that everyone takes everything away from her. I used to keep in mind who's toy was each, but as they grew I lost track, so now it's difficult to know who took what without whose permission.

    When DS was younger, I aproached sharing by telling him he could choose one toy that he needed not to share if he didn't want to, so called a favourite. I really can't remember when we stopped doing this, as it realy worked. He could distinguish beloved toys from those for sharing, and he even started to tell me when a toy was ready for yard sale.

    When the arrival of DD2 our little home organization became absent, and DD1 became greedy and intolerant . As I've said in a previous posting, I feel disorganized and without models to follow. I might add DH and I are both firstborns, so neither of us understand why DD1 makes such a fuzz for a toy, when we all know it's hers.

    How do you approach sharing? Any sugestions about getting back in track with my girls?

  • #2
    I approach sharing with lots and lots of grace. I mean when you think about it, sharing is a hard concept for adults and really isn't even expected of us at all. When was the last time you had to share your shoes or some other beloved item with anyone who walked into your closet. So if sharing is hard for adults, imagine how difficult the concept must be for a small child for who can't begin to reason yet.

    I would definitely try the special toy thing you did with your son. Give your daughter a few toys that are just hers and let her siblings know those are her special toys. And when she has friends over to play ask her if she wants to put her special toys away so that she won't have to share them. And I would also aways try and empathize with her when she is so distraught over a doll being taken away instead of approaching it with an attitude like "its just a doll" because it really is more than that to her. Hope that makes sense!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by hink4687 View Post
      I approach sharing with lots and lots of grace. I mean when you think about it, sharing is a hard concept for adults and really isn't even expected of us at all. When was the last time you had to share your shoes or some other beloved item with anyone who walked into your closet. So if sharing is hard for adults, imagine how difficult the concept must be for a small child for who can't begin to reason yet.
      this is a really good point and one to keep in mind. we treat children like they're being mean b/c they won't share their measley things, but we, as adults, don't have someone constantly trying to take things from us and force us to share.

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      • #4
        So.. maybe a special toy box for each would be nice, right? Because the three of them spend some time during the week alone at home (I mean, being the only child arround) so I'm trying to prevent "borrowing" of special toys since "there was no one to ask for it".

        I'm sorry about the "it's just a toy" attitude. I was angry as I wrote. I really find it hard to emphatize with her... she's such a princess, and I don't remember being like that as a small girl... I can understand your adult example, though. If someone asks me to lend my clothing, I would not offer my special garments, and even refuse to lend them if asked.

        I'll keep this in mind for the next borrowing episode...

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        • #5
          I believed I wasn't thinking of DD1 as mean for not sharing, but reading my own words I see it present in my writing. Also, I can recognize that I get particularly angry when I see she's watching DD2 and ready to jump and take first whatever she was going to play with...

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          • #6
            Originally posted by cmicher View Post
            I'm sorry about the "it's just a toy" attitude. I was angry as I wrote. I really find it hard to emphatize with her... she's such a princess, and I don't remember being like that as a small girl... I can understand your adult example, though. If someone asks me to lend my clothing, I would not offer my special garments, and even refuse to lend them if asked.
            Grace is for mommas too!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by cmicher View Post
              I believed I wasn't thinking of DD1 as mean for not sharing, but reading my own words I see it present in my writing. Also, I can recognize that I get particularly angry when I see she's watching DD2 and ready to jump and take first whatever she was going to play with...
              oh, no, i wasn't saying at all that you were thinking of her as mean, only commenting on adults at large who see it that way. sorry!

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              • #8
                Please don't be! Sometimes my english is great, some others I struggle to make sense... I ment as I re-read the post you where answering at, I saw anger in my own words, and the posture of considering DD1 to be mean because not sharing. I don't want to think of my daughters as that! I truly want to be a loving caring understanding mother... but I just keep getting angry because they fight.
                Your comments are ALWAYS welcome, same as other memebers, who have shown me nothing but apreciation and nice help.

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                • #9
                  Latest news...

                  During the weekend, DH blew up and stored all DD1 toys, because she wouldn't lend any and keeps taking others without explicit permission.

                  I didn't like the method, of course. But when we both calmed down, we talked about some of the principles, and came to the following conclutions:
                  • She has way too many toys, some of them not even been used in months.
                  • She is not seeing any advantage in asking for toys.
                  • She's not empathyzing with siblings about her taking their stuff.
                  So, he had a hug talk with her (both hugging as they spoke) and explained he was going to take out only the toys she kindly asked for, and they were to go back to the closet when finished.

                  I see her happy, because she doesn't have a pile of toys to pick up at night, and because DD2 isn't taking dolls without asking. Today she started to ask daddy to take out dolls "for me and my sister".

                  What do you think?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by cmicher View Post
                    During the weekend, DH blew up and stored all DD1 toys, because she wouldn't lend any and keeps taking others without explicit permission.

                    I didn't like the method, of course. But when we both calmed down, we talked about some of the principles, and came to the following conclutions:
                    • She has way too many toys, some of them not even been used in months.
                    • She is not seeing any advantage in asking for toys.
                    • She's not empathyzing with siblings about her taking their stuff.
                    So, he had a hug talk with her (both hugging as they spoke) and explained he was going to take out only the toys she kindly asked for, and they were to go back to the closet when finished.

                    I see her happy, because she doesn't have a pile of toys to pick up at night, and because DD2 isn't taking dolls without asking. Today she started to ask daddy to take out dolls "for me and my sister".

                    What do you think?
                    Sounds to me like that is a good start; it sounds like it actually reduced the stress factor for your DD1, since she now doesn't have as many toys "in danger" of being taken by her siblings, and less to put away, like you said. So it seems like the toys being in the closet is maybe the best solution. And so glad that your husband had a nice hugging talk with your DD1; what a great ending to a blow-up!

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