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  • Angry!!!!

    That is my DD.
    Now grant it she has had a rough time of her life for 3.5 year olds.
    Now without all the details, she has suffered separation from me due to my illness, abrupt weaning at a wee age, witness to her fathers anger issues, and a separation in the family unit. All before the poor girl has even hit her 4th birthday.

    She has HUGE explosive tantrums.
    She hits, kicks, throws anything she can get her hands on, and screams herself purple in the face.
    She runs from me in public places and I have to pick her up screaming and kicking when we are out.

    This is when she asks for a toy or food item and I tell her no and even prompt her before we go into the store, that we will not get any toys, or this type of food, what we are there to get, yet she will ask- I will say no- and she tantrums like a tornado.

    They happen more so when we are out shopping than at home, but the other day she screamed bloody murder at the phone guy who had to go into her room for some wiring issues with our phone and she lost it.
    Screamed so loud we could not even hear the guy and I had to take her into our back bedroom and turn on the tv to get her to stop.
    after he left she then ran into her room and pulled the plug out of the wall outlet of her light by where he was working and knocked her light over and started screaming again.

    I am at my wits end for figuring out the best way to help her and I have been trying to track the triggers and there is nothing consistent about the behavior at all.

    I ask her all the things you go through, use her hands for playing, pillows for throwing, inside voice, use your words so I can help you....on and on and on..you cannot get to her when she is in the tornado to get the other side of the brain working, it is pure keep her safe from hurting herself others or breaking something, short of putting her in a padded room for 15 minutes, I do into know what else to do at this point. Even more so when we are out in public.

    I am desperate for help as my husband and mother thinks she needs a good you know what

    riiiiggghhht...never!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by harmonicker; 05-19-2008, 09:44 AM. Reason: added a detail

  • #2
    Wow, Traci, so much you're going through!! And you can't even vent to those who should be nearest, dearest to you and on the same page as you--namely your mother and husband.

    Your story is sad in what you & your daughter are going through, with little or no help. BUT........I can't help but smile knowing that you have a clear head and refuse to give in to mainstream violent quick-fixes. I also am heartened that your daughter is acting up around you--it means she trusts you to be her safe sounding board, ally and friend!!

    So much is running through my head to tell you. First, I'll suggest play therapy for your daughter. I took my daughter, after she was showing signs of violence after tension between DH & myself. It hasn''t been that long that we've been going, but it helped both her and me.

    Second, I recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and someone else. it helped me enormously, in that it takes the emotions and 'button pushing' out of encounters between parent and child. You become more of an interested party, sort of like a therapist. You get to be the words of emotion for your child. I don't think your daughter knows what words to use, and that might frustrate her even more.

    Sometimes when my DD is mad, I just say "wow, you are REALLY MAD!! Sometimes when I get mad I stomp my feet." And I do it, then she does it, then we do it more, then we do karate kicks. Ends up both of us silly and giggling and exhausted. Other times when she's yelling I scream "WHY ARE YOU YELLING LIKE THAT??" in a silly, questioning, frantic way. If she giggles, then i play into that "WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING??" If she doesn't, then I go into that "wow, you seem really mad!" dialogue.

    It seems to me that your DD is searching for power over herself and her life, also to be coddled and cuddled like a baby. So, I'm thinking it might help for you to do both of those. As much as possible, hug her and cuddle her and tell her she'll always be your baby. ALSO, take every opportunity to let her do for herself and 'be in charge.' My DS loves to dress himself, so I let him, even if he wears his clothes inside out and his shoes backwards. Some busy-body always has to point this out, to which I always reply "he dressed himself! Isn't that great?" with a big smile on my face. I have my DD take folks on tours of our house, talk on the phone, put on make-up and do her hair with me, pour her own cereal & milk (I put them in a small cup first).

    For the shopping trips, I would take her when she is happy & rested and fed, just before you're going to a park or somewhere equally cool and desirable. My DS just had a meltdown in the shopping store Sunday night because he was overtired (my fault). He flipped out over toothbrushes and band-aids. I let him have ONE band-aid and he was happy as a clam, showing everyone. Maybe your DS would like one special treat when shopping?? Or to help you find stuff?? I try to ask my kids what special treat they want, or give them a choice of 2.

    Okay, also take care of yourself!! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter, single-handledly, might I add! Be good to mama!! Make sure you are getting your essential fatty acids, particularly DHA. I take a supplement, and have noticed a difference. I had the blues pretty bad after my first 2 births, but not with the third. There is evidence that this helps women. Also, go for a walk morning or evening with her -- this will help you both.

    Lastly, the only 2 people who matter are you & your DS. I know for me it's SO HARD to remember that when someone is telling me to be harsh with my children, or someone in aisle 8 of Publix is glaring at me. But, at the end of the day, all that matters is me & my kids.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Wow, Traci, so much you're going through!! And you can't even vent to those who should be nearest, dearest to you and on the same page as you--namely your mother and husband.
      I know I think it is the only advice my mom has at this point and my husband?, well his choices lately seem to be the complete opposite of mine sometimes.
      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Your story is sad in what you & your daughter are going through, with little or no help. BUT........I can't help but smile knowing that you have a clear head and refuse to give in to mainstream violent quick-fixes. I also am heartened that your daughter is acting up around you--it means she trusts you to be her safe sounding board, ally and friend!!
      It is all I can do for her at this point is support her..I would never want her to feel like she cannot "talk" to me or be herself around me.

      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      So much is running through my head to tell you. First, I'll suggest play therapy for your daughter. I took my daughter, after she was showing signs of violence after tension between DH & myself. It hasn''t been that long that we've been going, but it helped both her and me.
      Thank you I am looking into this

      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Second, I recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and someone else. it helped me enormously, in that it takes the emotions and 'button pushing' out of encounters between parent and child. You become more of an interested party, sort of like a therapist. You get to be the words of emotion for your child. I don't think your daughter knows what words to use, and that might frustrate her even more.
      Yep got it read it
      I also like raising your spirited child

      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Sometimes when my DD is mad, I just say "wow, you are REALLY MAD!! Sometimes when I get mad I stomp my feet." And I do it, then she does it, then we do it more, then we do karate kicks. Ends up both of us silly and giggling and exhausted. Other times when she's yelling I scream "WHY ARE YOU YELLING LIKE THAT??" in a silly, questioning, frantic way. If she giggles, then i play into that "WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING??" If she doesn't, then I go into that "wow, you seem really mad!" dialogue.
      hhmm may try this

      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      It seems to me that your DD is searching for power over herself and her life, also to be coddled and cuddled like a baby. So, I'm thinking it might help for you to do both of those. As much as possible, hug her and cuddle her and tell her she'll always be your baby. ALSO, take every opportunity to let her do for herself and 'be in charge.' My DS loves to dress himself, so I let him, even if he wears his clothes inside out and his shoes backwards. Some busy-body always has to point this out, to which I always reply "he dressed himself! Isn't that great?" with a big smile on my face. I have my DD take folks on tours of our house, talk on the phone, put on make-up and do her hair with me, pour her own cereal & milk (I put them in a small cup first).
      This is good....Cuddles and eye contact..more me and her time...
      I need to slow down more and let her "be"..you are right....

      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      For the shopping trips, I would take her when she is happy & rested and fed, just before you're going to a park or somewhere equally cool and desirable. My DS just had a meltdown in the shopping store Sunday night because he was overtired (my fault). He flipped out over toothbrushes and band-aids. I let him have ONE band-aid and he was happy as a clam, showing everyone. Maybe your DS would like one special treat when shopping?? Or to help you find stuff?? I try to ask my kids what special treat they want, or give them a choice of 2.
      This is good, I do get her things when we are out, but I want her to understand that she cannot have something EVERYtime we are out..KWIM?


      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Okay, also take care of yourself!! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter, single-handledly, might I add! Be good to mama!! Make sure you are getting your essential fatty acids, particularly DHA. I take a supplement, and have noticed a difference. I had the blues pretty bad after my first 2 births, but not with the third. There is evidence that this helps women. Also, go for a walk morning or evening with her -- this will help you both.
      Thank you for the reminder.I have fallen off my vitamin boat and need to get back to taking them.
      I just discovered hooping and I think this is doing me a world of good. Plus my DD now tries to hoop too and it is a girl thing. I also got us matching necklaces and she has not taken hers off yet..trying to really give her something visual as to just her and I.


      Originally posted by apmommy View Post
      Lastly, the only 2 people who matter are you & your DS. I know for me it's SO HARD to remember that when someone is telling me to be harsh with my children, or someone in aisle 8 of Publix is glaring at me. But, at the end of the day, all that matters is me & my kids.
      You said it Mamma

      Comment


      • #4
        Take this or leave this, but I wonder if you've ruled out bipolar? My DH is bipolar, and when you mentioned that your DH has anger issues, it just made me think....

        Bipolar tends to run in families, and in children it can often present as these uncontrollable rages.

        anyway, just a thought. A therapist who is familiar with childhood bipolar would certainly be of some help in either diagnosing or ruling out.

        Comment

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