I like Alfie Kohn's message about not teaching children to express things they don't really mean, and how when we do that we're just teaching them to lie. So I don't want to tell him that he *has* to treat everybody in a loving way if that's not how he's really feeling. I don't want to give him the message that he must act and speak in a certain way because that's what he's *supposed* to do...I think doing so teaches children that it's more important to meet the judgements and expectations of our society than to honor what they think and feel within.
At the same time, I want him to cut the attitude and be a little easier to get along with!
My husband thinks that when he says something mean or inappropriate, he should be removed from the situation and isolated. If he was engaged in a fun activity, it should be ended.
But I don't want to use isolation or negative rewards as a means to get him to behave differently. I want to help him understand how his words affect other people: those he expresses them to, those who hear his angry words, and even himself when he utters them. It is my belief that at some point he will make the connection and choose from within himself to change his behavior and attitude.
So my DH and I are at an impasse with how we want to handle the situation, and we're both feeling very angry towards one another. Thoughts? Experiences to share?