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  • #31
    I wanted to add a little to this thread... I can understand the nervousness about praise and finding balance in that area is hard. I always tell parents, if they don't believe in praise, then don't do it. It can come across condescending and children can sense it, but if you do believe in praise, then use it. Positive is a good thing.

    I work with a couple of child psychologists in my group and they really believe in praise and feel that children who are acting out are not receiving enough proper praise.

    It is more common when siblings are closer together. Parents will sometimes tend to notice the negative behavior and comment on it and not comment on the positive. It happens when there is a new addition, it is just sometimes too time consuming.

    A good balance of praise is to make sure you are complimenting your child more than you are redirecting or correcting. If they see they get more attention and more of a great reaction from those behavior you want from them, they will repeat them. This is very useful in small children. Making a big woop de doo is why they repeat things and want to further explore.

    It is like when we take on jobs and responsiblities as adults. The better we do, the more acclimation we receive, the better pay we receive for a job well done. If we take away the praise and rewards, there wont be that little extra insipration to do a better job. For me it would be like wondering what the world be like without the Nobel Peace Prize?
    Last edited by EcoMaMa; 06-05-2008, 07:18 AM.

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    • #32
      Please & Thank You... Those are words my husbandís family does not really use. They are from the UK, so the way they speak is a bit different for me to begin with.
      I have always said it so much to Ronnie as a baby that it became the norm for him to use those words, and my husband and his family notice.

      Hubby did not really do it at all, and that was okay with me because we parent a bit differently. There are some things I am adamant about that we have to do similar to show stability, but then there are things I know that if at least one of us is in practice it will work out, and usually the other parent picks up on it anyway. Which now he has with the please and thank you.

      I am very fortunate with my husband. We conceived Ronnie after years of infertility treatments. He is my 9th pregnancy, but I only have three biological children. I spent my entire pregnancy on bedrest and during that time my husbands company was sold and he was not allowed to work in the US until they changed out his visa, which was the entire pregnancy, sooo he sat next to me and piled through the Dr. Sears books and many more.

      His take on Dr. Sears... "This is brilliant! It is written for men to understand, very much like being a Daddy for Dummies!" He truely feels that men are ignorant, and not in a negative way, to nurturing and need to have it explained to them over and over. And in our house it can be over and over and over and over....

      He is on board with my breastfeeding and hopes it continues as he sees his sons health and happiness compared to other children. I have made several friends who all nurse their toddlers and it is a site to see us all sitting with our children standing up to nurse.
      I post pictures on my website of me nursing Ronnie just so that the more people see it, the more it becomes just another thing moms do.

      I hope you guys don't mind me throwing personal experiences out there. I know our lifestyle and the choices we make are not going to be what other chooses, but it may help someone who has had similar life experiences or belief systems in choosing what might work for them. I love diversity and I love learning what other parents choose so it can help me along my journey.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
        A good balance of praise is to make sure you are complimenting your child more than you are redirecting or correcting. If they see they get more attention and more of a great reaction from those behavior you want from them, they will repeat them. This is very useful in small children. Making a big woop de doo is why they repeat things and want to further explore.
        i think this is precisely the problem Kohn has w/rewards. this is a manipulative technique to get children to act the way we want them to, rather than wanting them to act good b/c they feel good intrinsically.

        Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
        It is like when we take on jobs and responsiblities as adults. The better we do, the more acclimation we receive, the better pay we receive for a job well done. If we take away the praise and rewards, there wont be that little extra insipration to do a better job. For me it would be like wondering what the world be like without the Nobel Peace Prize?
        i must very respectfully disagree w/this point. i have had 2 jobs in my life- teacher and mom. neither career did i enter b/c of the pay or acclimation. i've done both b/c i care about children. i never did either expecting to be recognized, i did it for others. in teaching, the harder or better you work makes no difference in your pay. the same is certainly true of parenting. i hope both of my children choose careers that fulfill themselves internally and, at the same time, give back to others.

        kohn cites research after research where employees were rewarded for performance and over time, quality of work, performance, and job satisfaction declined. people are rarely inspired by these types of rewards b/c they begin to work for the rewards rather than the work itself.
        Last edited by PaxMamma; 06-05-2008, 07:37 AM.

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        • #34
          I think it is sad we do not reward our teachers and other public service professionals. I feel just because we don't do it, doesn't' make it right.

          Society praises celebrities and the wealthy and it is all backwards.

          Thank you for being a teacher and taking the time to nurture our children.

          I understand a lot of people feel strongly about Kohn and that to me is a preference for parenting styles. Like being a vegetarian or an omnivore.

          I love hearing about some of the methods in practice. I like to borrow from all different resources, like a big buffet of mommy lessons.

          I do want to add, that I did not use much praise with my older girls because I was told of all of the negative consequence, not until later when I had some issues with my youngest girl, now 21 and we were in family therapy working through some issues and they worked with me on "appropriate" praise. I personally did not like the outcome it had with my family and I am doing something a bit different with my son.
          Last edited by EcoMaMa; 06-05-2008, 07:54 AM.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
            I think it is sad we do not reward our teachers and other public service professionals. I feel just because we don't do it, doesn't' make it right.

            Society praises celebrities and the wealthy and it is all backwards.
            this is an interesting point to consider. it really got me thinking about what it would be like if mothers and teachers made millions. would it truly benefit society? what kinds of people would we then have deciding they wanted to be mothers or teachers? would we then have lots of people just doing it for the money rather than the love of children?

            i live near cleveland and am bombarded w/sports. i think of one particular player here who says he just "loves the game". but what i see is a man so caught up in his own image and driven by money i wonder how quickly he'd deflate his basketball if someone took his millions away. would he still "love the game" for only $30,000/year? i'm betting not.

            so i ask all these things as questions and perhaps i'm already answering myself, but think it is truly something to ponder. thanks!


            Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
            I do want to add, that I did not use much praise with my older girls because I was told of all of the negative consequence, not until later when I had some issues with my youngest girl, now 21 and we were in family therapy working through some issues and they worked with me on "appropriate" praise. I personally did not like the outcome it had with my family and I am doing something a bit different with my son.
            when you say "i personally did not like the outcome IT had", do you mean the therapy or the lack of praising? i take it to mean lack of praising. i am sorry that this has been your experience.

            btw, i hope that no one takes from this discussion that "no praise" means not encouraging, rejoicing w/, getting excited over, being proud of our children, etc. that is certainly not kohn's or anyone elses intent.

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            • #36
              Hi again! I get five minutes at the pc and it looks like I am writing a novel.

              It has been really busy here. I had a phone interview that went a little wonky with Ronnie wanting to do it for me.

              I think for us it is a happy medium in our family. Praise and rewards are so separate for us. We praise for the good that he does because we know that it is easier sometimes to say or notice when they are not doing things the way we want.
              When we have a friend who comes over with a baby, we say thank you for being so gentle with the baby We are so proud of you for being soft and loving, we notice that he as a child loves pleasing us so much that each time a baby comes over, he does the same thing and for now yes perhaps that seems a bit Pavlovian, but over time until he learns why he should be gentle with a baby it does prevent something negative happening and is a lot better than having to say, you are being to rough, stop, slow down.

              Praise for us is like positive reinforcement while he is young because they do not really understand why they need to do things a certain way as much as they do understand that they love to see you so happy and excited that they accomplished something. I can't see myself comparing him to what adults do for rewards.

              I would say to Ronnie while he is first teaching himself to use the bathroom, "Wow! You went to the bathroom all by yourself. That is great!" This may inspire him to continue or not, either way for us not a big deal, but over time, he will learn that using the bathroom is just what he does and I don't see myself having to say for too long... That would just be the twisted side of "Bitty" for us. (Will explain that one in a new thread about breastfeeding)

              Praise also worked with one of my very troubled foster children. She had been removed from three Pre-K schools before I found a teacher who found a method to help her. We split the day into threes. Morning, Afternoon and Night.

              For each section she got through without hurting another person or taking off out of the school, she got a little star and a big hug and a big thank you and was told how proud we were that she did it. This went on for awhile until we got to every night before bed I would tell all of my children how proud I was to be their mother, even if it wasn't a perfect day because they needed it. Especially my foster children who came from a place where there was no praise and a lot of negative reinforcement.

              With jobs as adults, the organization my husband works for, also non profit, does reviews. It is generally to praise their workers and let them know they are doing well and that they are appreciated. They have a lunch for them every month and have little incentives like gym memberships, which we both desperately need. In all of their history they have never had a problem with an employee not working or ever let anyone go. I was amazed when I heard that too.

              I think it depends a lot on the company, the parent and what type of praise and how they are delivering it. The same with rewards. (A end of year bonus, salary increases) When company just gives a bonus each year to everyone, then you can end up with a lot of slackers who do no work and just a few that do, which is why quarterly reviews and reminders are helpful. In a family situation, with older children you can have family meetings.

              We used to pass around a squeezy ball so we could all take turns having reviews. My children would tell me the things I did that didnít make them happy, some were just nonsense, but sometimes it was helpful, but most of the time we would talk about the wonderful things that happened over the week and reinforce that we saw how hard they tried in school and wow you helped that dog find its home and you rescued a baby squirrel. Reminding them that their good deeds were noticed, not that they did it for that reason and I wasnít telling them for that reason but to reinforce that they had great values and what amazing young women they were.

              With small children seeing their parents glow with happiness is such a reward for them. I have seen children that get no praise and they go through the motions, but they are not enjoying it. There is a missing sparkle and passion.

              In my girls teen years, I did do allowance, which I did tell you about in PM, but wanted to share in thread as well. It was based on chores after they did what was expected of them. I was a single mother for many years so when they did things like do my chores, most of the time without even me asking, they just felt horrible I worked all night and took care of them all day, I made sure that they would get something for it. I wanted them to learn about money for work and I didn't tell them what do to with the money as I wanted them to learn if they spent it irresponsibly then that was the end of it.
              I didnít want to over reward as I was worried that giving too much in the material end, my emotional feelings of being proud of the women they were becoming would be lost, so the verbal praise was consistent. And that was really hard during Jackieís coming out years. (Another long story)


              Every family, every child is so different it is hard to know what method will work best.
              I love learning about all of them so I can take pieces from each and utilize them to fit each of my children, and for each of the adults in my life.

              I wanted to mention one more thing about praise then I will be quiet for a bit, because I can talk too muchÖ

              Postpartum depression. I see a lot of this and experienced it heavily myself. I took notes after having this last baby and being stuck in bed during pregnancy gave me time to focus.
              All during my pregnancy I was this amazing vessel that everyone adored and watched out for and praised for doing a great job, then I gave birth and was told I did a great job. Then afterward I delt with pediatricians who second guessed me, friends who thought that co-sleeping or breastfeeding wasnít doing my child justice, and one pedi who said my breast milk wasnít good enough, formula was betterÖ Oh picking up that baby is going to spoil it.
              Constant negative or doubtful and I started not to feel like this great mother, great vessel, and great provider, like many women do. I had started to doubt myself and became depressed.

              Then I fired all of my current physicians found a new ones for my son and myself and they told me wow your child is so healthy and wonderful and your breastfeeding relationship is going great! It was amazing how fast my depression left. I felt like I was alive again. I knew in my heart I was doing the best for my son, but when everyone around me was second guessing me, it left me alone and feeling abandoned. I started to wonder if that perhaps isnít why most women suffer from PPD? Is it because we are always being told we arenít doing it right and never being praised for our successes at being intuitive mothers?

              I told you I talk too much. I am so happy I met you guys!

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              • #37
                Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
                When we have a friend who comes over with a baby, we say thank you for being so gentle with the baby We are so proud of you for being soft and loving, we notice that he as a child loves pleasing us so much that each time a baby comes over, he does the same thing and for now yes perhaps that seems a bit Pavlovian, but over time until he learns why he should be gentle with a baby it does prevent something negative happening and is a lot better than having to say, you are being to rough, stop, slow down.
                i will use this example since you through it out there. in this particular situation i think i would say something like "please use your gentle hands w/the baby. she likes the soft touches. do you see how she smiles when you touch her that way? she likes that. let's be respectful of her wishes."

                i would use this approach b/c i want him to understand that his actions effect others and that we should use respect in our interactions. i don't want him doing something b/c it makes me proud. i think this would make him less likely to do the right thing when i'm not around.

                Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
                Praise for us is like positive reinforcement while he is young because they do not really understand why they need to do things a certain way as much as they do understand that they love to see you so happy and excited that they accomplished something. I can't see myself comparing him to what adults do for rewards.
                i see this a little bit differently, too. i don't want my children to always do things b/c they want to see me happy. that places too much emphasis on me for my comfort. it's really not about me, it's about all of us. we put a great deal of focus on NEEDS, trying to ensure that everyone in the family is getting their needs met.

                Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
                In my girls teen years, I did do allowance, which I did tell you about in PM, but wanted to share in thread as well. It was based on chores after they did what was expected of them. I was a single mother for many years so when they did things like do my chores, most of the time without even me asking, they just felt horrible I worked all night and took care of them all day, I made sure that they would get something for it. I wanted them to learn about money for work and I didn't tell them what do to with the money as I wanted them to learn if they spent it irresponsibly then that was the end of it.
                I didnít want to over reward as I was worried that giving too much in the material end, my emotional feelings of being proud of the women they were becoming would be lost, so the verbal praise was consistent. And that was really hard during Jackieís coming out years. (Another long story)
                i don't have older children so i don't want to presume to know what kinds of things parents have to deal w/at that age. i'm not yet sure how i feel about allowance. it is important to instill the value and management of money in our children.

                but what i'd imagine i'd do is what i currently put in practice. if i wouldn't do/say it to my husband, i won't do/say it to my kids. i wouldn't pay my husband for going above and beyond at home. instead, i'd speak to the need such as "thank you for cleaning the kitchen. i felt relieved not to have to do it while i had the flu." if my husband picks his clothes off the floor, i dont' say 'good job!' i say, ' thanks for picking up your clothes. it made laundry a lot easier this week.' etc.

                i think, too, we miss the point if we understand kohn or others to be focused on the negatives of praise. what the writers are truly trying to communicate is the unconditionality of love. we want our children to feel loved no matter their behavior. they should know we are proud of them whether or not they succeed. i also really like Non-Violent Communication (NVC) in developing my relationships.

                i highly encourage anyone who is reading this and still has questions to go directly to kohn. he explains it so much better than i do. and i think that there are a lot of misconceptions about him b/c we pass around inaccuracies.

                your point about PPD is an interesting one. i'm sure that there are plenty of moms who do feel this way. but that's not to say that there arent' numerous other reasons why women experience PPD, including, but not limited to, past experience w/depression, hormone imbalance, lack of help, and external pressures.

                okay, that's all for now, but am happy to continue this.....

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                • #38
                  This is great info! My little guy is sick so my reply is going to be limited.
                  I can see how this method works with children which is why I like to add to what I have in hand. Each child, each situation is so different that I like to use a lot of different ways, depending on what is happening at the moment.

                  I only use the praise for the first few times to get him to understand, then we move onto explaining why and details of every action has a reaction and what could happen if he did this, but he is only starting to get to that age of understanding. Once he understands, then he can make a choice of what he wants to do.

                  I want him to understand my pride so that he can learn what it feels like and learn self pride. I try to teach him about all of his emotions. Children do not know sad, anger, happy, proud, excited until we as parents explain to them what they are, then we can teach them to put those feelings into word and into action.

                  When he was smaller, I would say, Ronnie I know you feel sad about {whatever the situation might be}, and what can we do to help you feel less sad... or get past your anger... talk to me about what made you sad, anger, happy , proud so that I also know what to avoid or continue to do as a mother to make him happy.

                  Okay what was supposed to be short got extended. Poor little guy has strep and is feeling horrible.

                  I love this conversation! Thank you for all of the info. It is very valuable an I think you are doing a great job explaining. I think Kohn has a lot of great information that is helpful for many families. There are a lot of people who use it with success. I may do things differently, but like I said, it is all positive stuff and that is the most important. (Unlike some of the other child rearing methods, like to train up a child...WOW that one was horrible)


                  I added this later, after Ronnie was settled for the night.
                  I rediscussed this with our child psychologist and she said similar that the different methods will work for different children, but still feels that praise is crucial to child development. I am working on getting her to join here as her uses AP methods in her practice as well as her personal life. I do see where she is coming from because I didn't use praise with my girls and just expected them to do because it was expected of them, and although they did go through the motions as small children, it did not continue to work and it took many years of family based therapy to build their self esteem and learn how to properly praise them. I think finding that middle ground is very important and to praise for the appropriate things. In their young teen / adult years there was a lot of pressure for school and work and teachers do use rewards and praise, even the grading systems are all based on rewards... A, B, C... and so is society, so their peers who had spent their lives being praised and told how their parents were proud of them were always doing a bit more and adapting a bit better.

                  Also when I had to attend court program with my youngest daughter, the judge and child psychologists there would praise the children each week for making it another week not doing things that were getting them into trouble and for each little thing that they did positive. The judge pointed out to all of the parents, our children were desperate to hear some reaction for their behavior and there seemed to be a trend of lack of praise growing in the country so all children were hearing, hey you are expected to behave and even though it was hard to be the people they needed to be, no one was praising them or telling them how to feel proud about getting it right so they stopped bothering. He said this is the problem with prison system and juvenile offender programs. They are there to rehabilitate and many go in and say this is what is expected of you and most do not do anything to make the prisoners or children feel proud about themselves, their families and community.

                  I had no pride as child. It was all expected of me. I had no pride as a young adult. I just did as I was told and went through the motions. I didn't really strive to do more and allowed people to hurt me. After joining several womens programs where I was praised for my accomplishments and praised for my mothering practices, I started to feel better about myself and made changes to do more than what was expected of me and make changes in the world around me to make it better for myself and others. I didn't know what it was to be proud of a parent, but mine were nothing to be proud of. My grandmother was, and I didn't get to tell her that until recently and she cried because no one had ever said that to her. She felt like a nothing... unnoticed her entire life.

                  Again, this isn't for everyone, but I feel parents need to see all sides and maybe the no praise no rewards methods will work for them. It may be that I do have a bit of an ego that likes to be patted a bit. I know I like my husband to tell me that the meal I just cooked is amazing and I love when people compliment on how sweet Ronnie is. I swell with pride that my family is taken care of and that I am working hard to accomplish makign things better for them and for their future.
                  Last edited by EcoMaMa; 06-09-2008, 09:03 PM. Reason: added after baby went to bed

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                  • #39
                    have you read kohn? i really am wondering if i'm doing a "good job " of explaining b/c i think we may be talking about 2 separate things. self-esteem and praise are not necessarily related. i went back to kohn, p.44 "The real problem may not be self-esteem that's too low ("I don't feel very good about myself"), but self-esteem that's too contingent ("I feel good about myself only when....").

                    he then powers through all the ways that praise actually diminishes self-esteem and makes it more contingent. i want my kids to feel REALLY good about themselves. i take great care to tell them how wonderful they are, how much i love them, how proud i am of them--i just don't do it in relation to any skill they perform or behavior that pleases me. people who practice UP aren't stoic robots who sit back and refuse to engage their children in positive ways. on the contrary, this type of parenting takes A LOT of work. in fact, most of the criticisms come from those who complain that they can't take the time to put these methods into practice. it's b/c praise and punishment is just a lot easier to do.

                    i think it's also important to highlight that MOST of a child's self-esteem is built, not on the words we use, but on the TIME we take w/them. children remember how much effort we put into just spending time w/them. the saddest words in all of the world are "i know my dad loved me, but i wish he would have spent TIME w/me". time is the greatest gift we can give our children. they learn this very early, and it stays w/them forever. we can say a million "good jobs", but it won't make a bit of difference if we don't spend the time just being w/our kids.

                    this discussion is really helping me, too. i hope there are others out there who are learning and wanting to inquire, too.

                    btw, hope you're little guy gets to feeling better!

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                    • #40
                      I think I need to reread Kohn. I do like a lot of what he has to say.
                      Thanks for the thoughts for Ronnie. He is having such a hard time. Right now he is so weak he can't even walk. He was hit hard by this and I feel terrible for him, so if I go quiet for a few days know I love this conversation, but I will really need to focus on him.

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                      • #41
                        Good morning.
                        This morning I had a bit of thought about things and although I prefer to use Dr. Sears methods of discipline and child shaping, found here:
                        http://askdrsears.com/html/6/t061300.asp

                        I love everything Kohn has to say about the methods used in the school systems. I reread and reminded myself that this is why I am going to unschool Ronnie.

                        This is why I love these conversations. We don't always agree, but I do find so much information that I would not have even have thought or known of or had forgotten about and it is a great reminder.

                        If you look at the Dr. Sears, I agree with what he states about overdoing it. Those are the methods that I use for praise and they work very well for us.

                        This question is not API related so you can answer off board, but are you going to home school and if you are maybe we could talk off list about some of the Kohn "ideas" towards that.

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                        • #42
                          is ronnie feeling better then?

                          first, let me say up front that i am not a dr. sears fan. i read the link that you posted and was quite shocked and disturbed by his suggestions. it read more like a main-stream parenting guide. some of his techniques are downright manipulative and he contradicts himself throughout the article.

                          sears is a good pediatrician and i reference him for medical advice, but his parenting style is not something i'm comfortable w/. he is a doctor and, like most doctors , psychologists, and educators (of whom i am one) are very well educated in behaviorism. i do not believe behaviorism is an appropriate tool for parenting.

                          behaviorists believe people have to be reinforced into behaviors (either thru punishment or reward), otherwise we are messed up. children who act poorly must be manipulated into behaving better. all of this theory is based on trials on lab rats and dogs. it shouldn't be used on highly developed creatures such as children. if you treat them like animals, they will conform, but like animals.

                          i actually believe children are more akin to flowers. they are designed to grow and blossom into beautiful beings. our job as parents is not to control them into being beautiful, but rather to provide the warmth of the sun and the nourishment of water and they will do well. sometimes there are weeds, but the weeds don't come from w/in the flower, rather they are external forces that we have to work together to remove (and sometimes share the soil w/).

                          the whole "catch 'em being good" phenomena was very popular when i was in teacher education. it does not sit well w/me b/c it implies that you have to be very careful to be on the look-out for when a child may behave. but DON'T BLINK, YOU MIGHT MISS IT! i expect my children to behave, i don't have to be on guard to catch them in the act of behaving.

                          on education, we had orginally intended on homeschooling (and did thru age 4), but a bizarre and miraculous turn of events landed us at the local montessori this year. i am an intervention specialist there and both my boys attend. let me tell you, it has been an eye-opening experience. montessori philosophy and AP are so closely aligned, i am surprised it is not more popular in the AP community. there's no punishments, rewards, grades, tests. children are given the utmost respect, they are treated like humans and amazing creatures. i have since learned that kohn is on the montessori speaking circuit, so it's very similar.

                          but, yes, let's start another thread on kohn and education. that would be interesting, indeed!

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                          • #43
                            Now we both have strep.

                            I never thought of Sears that way. It gives me more to think about.

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                            • #44
                              Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
                              Now we both have strep.
                              oh no! i hope for a quick recovery for you. there should be some natural laws that mammas don't get sick!

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Wow! This thread is providing some much needed intellectual thought about praise. Thank you

                                In the past few months, I've been discovering why I would like to avoid praise. Before that, I had some vague knowledge that I "shouldn't" use it, but without really understanding why. I'd like to share a few insights.

                                After reading Nonviolent Communication, I began to use self empathy and identify my needs for certain actions. It was frightening to me, to discover how often I was doing something just to please someone else. It seemed as though I desparately needed this affirmation. While this may seem that I am advocating praise, that isn't my true intention. My point is that I was always doing things for OTHER people, and not out of a desire to seek an empathic connection, but literally so I could get a pat on the back. But I've discovered what I really need is to be noticed (not judged), to matter to my loved ones, and to spend time connecting with them. Sometimes, for me, I get confused and think I am needing praise when I am really needing one of those other things.

                                Also, I think it might be helpful to talk about our definitions of the word praise, because it may mean different things to different people.

                                The type of praise I tend to avoid is-

                                -the kind that is used to manipulate behavior. The kind that judges. Even a compliment can judge, and it tends to make a person suddenly realize they are being judged (even if they turn out to be worthy). This type of judgement may temporarily make me feel better about my needs to be noticed, to matter, or to feel connected; they also bring some posible negative sides as well. I think, for some things, evaluations are neccesary, but when they come from the person themselves-they are more helpful.

                                The type of praise I use frequently (although I call it something different)-
                                -the type that brings attention to the other persons feelings and needs about what they accomplished (I bet your feeing proud that you finally solved that puzzle), instead of calling attention to my reactions. I also really like the model for showing appreciation with NVC.
                                Let me try to give an example:

                                When I saw two moms with opposing viewpoints on praise discussing the finer points of their parenting philosophies all the while using a language of respect and care for each other, I felt thankful and appreciative because I was needing intellectual conversation about the finer points of gentle discipline and a safe place to discuss them.

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