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Questions a/b the tools for positive discipline

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  • #46
    thanks for joining us, b_light!

    Originally posted by b_light View Post
    It was frightening to me, to discover how often I was doing something just to please someone else. It seemed as though I desparately needed this affirmation. While this may seem that I am advocating praise, that isn't my true intention. My point is that I was always doing things for OTHER people, and not out of a desire to seek an empathic connection, but literally so I could get a pat on the back.
    kohn identifies this as being a "praise junkie". the term always makes me chuckle.

    Originally posted by b_light View Post
    But I've discovered what I really need is to be noticed (not judged), to matter to my loved ones, and to spend time connecting with them. Sometimes, for me, I get confused and think I am needing praise when I am really needing one of those other things.
    you are incredibly self-aware and enlightened! i love NVC, too, but am not progressing in it as well as i would like. maybe we could start an NVC support thread???

    Originally posted by b_light View Post
    The type of praise I tend to avoid is-

    -the kind that is used to manipulate behavior. The kind that judges. Even a compliment can judge, and it tends to make a person suddenly realize they are being judged (even if they turn out to be worthy).
    this is definitely a huge reason not to do it and the explanation for why we don't trust praise. for example, someone says "i like your shirt" and you respond w/"this old thing? i just threw it on". we dismiss that type.

    Originally posted by b_light View Post
    Let me try to give an example:

    When I saw two moms with opposing viewpoints on praise discussing the finer points of their parenting philosophies all the while using a language of respect and care for each other, I felt thankful and appreciative because I was needing intellectual conversation about the finer points of gentle discipline and a safe place to discuss them.
    perfect example! clear, concise, empowering! (am i praising you too much? now start that NVC thread!!!

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    • #47
      I have started a local NVC Bookclub. We have meetings each week or meet online in chats to discuss ways to implement into our lives and help reinforce many of the methods. It is very helpful.

      I know you don't like Sears, but I find him better than most and a very great tool to transition mainstream parents over into AP lifestyles. I don't view his comments on parenting as those from a doctor, but when I read his books, it reads as views as a father. His children are grown amazing, happy healthy and well adjusted adults. I give him a lot of credit for that and not every parent will do things the same way.

      I do need more advice on Kohn methods though. I really want to support my Kohn mama's.

      Hi B_Light, sorry I didn't say hello sooner. Ronnie and I are sick so I have been fuzzy headed.

      I like being able to hear different views. I need to know what else is out there and want to try different methods. Sometimes combining several can create something new and wonderful.

      The world doesn't always have to agree on everything. I figure as long as everyone is doing their best to be gentle and loving and open and honest then we are all better for it.

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      • #48
        Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
        I know you don't like Sears, but I find him better than most and a very great tool to transition mainstream parents over into AP lifestyles.
        yes, i totally agree w/this. i see him as a "gateway drug" to more gentle methods.

        Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
        I do need more advice on Kohn methods though. I really want to support my Kohn mama's.
        please ask more about kohn (although i'd include quite a few others in this style--leo, neufeld, rosenberg, etc). i don't want anyone to think we're just discussing one man's ideas). this has been a great discussion!

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        • #49
          I love Rosenberg.
          When I hear him speak there are times I could cry. Now there is a man where what he says and writes, clicks.
          I have him on my iPod for days that I am feeling overwhelmed. It is like a reset of my brain and calms my words.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by EcoMaMa View Post
            I love Rosenberg.
            When I hear him speak there are times I could cry. Now there is a man where what he says and writes, clicks.
            I have him on my iPod for days that I am feeling overwhelmed. It is like a reset of my brain and calms my words.
            i needed that tape today. not a great mommy day

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            • #51
              Me having a rough day too. Not sure why.

              Tomorrow is another day. We will wake up feeling good about ourselves and our families and see nothing but all of the joy they bring us. Today is gone and can't be redone or repeated, and only learned from.

              Hugs mama!

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              • #52
                Okay, I've tried searching on my library website for books on nonviolent communication, and by these author last names. I can't find any! Are they not in mainstream library systems?? Should I buy them from somewhere?

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                • #53
                  go to www.cnvc.org to get the correct titles and authors. some libraries carry, others will track them down for you, and some are really nice about buying books right out. go to the reference desk and ask!

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                  • #54
                    There was not any in my very uppity well stocked library, but I could get them through inter-library loan, but that was rather complicated. I bought them on-line then so I could lend them out after I was done.
                    Yes, VERY hard to find! --but worth the search.

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                    • #55
                      I have a ton of his books. I purchased them for my store and let moms tack onto my order to save money. It was amazing how fast they went. The NVC workbooks are always back ordered, but retailers will get them before other purchasers so I try to keep a few on hand as mothers request them a lot.

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