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What would you have done?

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  • What would you have done?

    We were at my parents house on Saturday to celebrate my b-day (30th ) & when we were leaving it was raining bad & DH was going to carry our 2 older children out while I waited inside holding our baby & put them in car seats. Anyway DH was going to walk out w/ DD in arms & DS went to follow & I said he needed to be carried, (reason was behind it), & I was about to say that DH could just come back for him as van was real close to door but before I could, my dad picked DS son up w/o warning in a cradle baby type hold which totally FREAKED my 3 1/2 yr old VERY SENSITIVE son out! DH didn't know what to do & I was holding our baby. DS was reaching for DH & was saying "No, no" in a whiny/scared type voice & I said several times to my dad "He's very upset". To which my dad said nothing & motioned to my DH to just go out. To which I firmly said "Dad!" And then my dad finally put DS down with an expression that was saying he was only trying to help. My dad knows how sensitive DS is & DS has just recently been trusting my dad & feeling more comfortable w/ him & I really don't want their relationship ruined either. When we got out to our van DS said to me "Mommy, I don't like Grandpa." And we talked about what happened and that it wasn't that he didn't like him it was what he did that DS didn't like. He said "I just wanted you or daddy." And I told him that's why mommy was trying to get grandpa to put him down b/c I understood how he felt & I also explained that grandpa loves him & that's why he was trying to help.

    Was this ok? Or should I have done things differently? I really didn't know what to do & wasn't trying to be harsh w/ my dad. I just knew my son was so upset. What would you have done? Any advice on the situation? Thanks.
    Last edited by blessedmama; 04-22-2008, 07:40 PM.

  • #2
    I'm sorry your son (and the rest of you) had to endure this. Maybe you could try talking to your dad about what happened. Sometimes it is easier to talk about things when everyone is calm. I find my children's grandparents have a difficult time understanding why we do the things we do. It usually comes back to "well, look how you guys turned out. We couldn't have done everything wrong!" In the end, they honor our way of doing things even if they do not agree.

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    • #3
      it is so hard to see our babies suffer. it seems like your dad was just not thinking about the emotional stuff, but the practical stuff-getting to the car. he was probably just trying to help. my only thought is maybe your son would like to talk about it w/your dad, or maybe be in your presence when you talk w/him. that way, your son will have his feelings validated and understand that it's okay to share hurts w/those you love, and see that you care enough about him to confront your dad.

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      • #4
        My in-laws tend to not really understand things like that too. They think they are being helpful while they hold the baby while I can finish my dinner, but it isn't helpful if I know he is crying! They just don't get it-- that my stomach tenses up and it just isn't pleasant for either of us! : Also situations like yours of course, how I never "force" my older son to visit or go places with them or insist on saying sorry or eat all his dinner. My Father in-law plays this horrible "game" with me where he won't hand over my crying baby to me.....it is quite horrible! Anyway, I try to see it from their perspective and try to be gentle as I can in reminding them that this is the way we do it! I recommend talking to your son and explaining that Grandpa didn't mean to hold you in a way you didn't like and was just confused with all that was going on...etc Then suggest to him to ask Grandpa to only hold him a certain way next time.. etc Encourage your father and son to have a dialogue together etc...
        I totally understand!!!!!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by LisaS View Post
          Maybe you could try talking to your dad about what happened.
          Thank you! I like this idea. Not sure how to approach it w/o hurting his feelings though. Have to think on it.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by PaxMamma View Post
            my only thought is maybe your son would like to talk about it w/your dad, or maybe be in your presence when you talk w/him. that way, your son will have his feelings validated and understand that it's okay to share hurts w/those you love, and see that you care enough about him to confront your dad.
            That's a great idea! Thanks!

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            • #7
              When my father-in-law is trying to get my son to go do something he feels iffy about and my son is too shy to say anything I put words in his mouth "Owen might feel worried that you will hide again and scare him" or something. or "He might be worried you will hold him in that way again"
              Not exactly a big ole "talk"... but a suggestion that something else is going on. Your father may have totally forgotten about that incident but the child has not!

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              • #8
                Oh my goodness! You sure have alot to deal w/ yourself! My parents use to take LO so I could finish a meal too & it made my stomach hurt too & my breasts would fill up w/ milk due to crying baby! So I'd finish quickly or just say I was full anyway, lol! Hate when they'd leave the room w baby & baby would cry so hard b/c couldn't see me. This time around I just nursed our DS2 while eating. No problems, lol!

                Originally posted by naomifrederickmd View Post
                I recommend talking to your son and explaining that Grandpa didn't mean to hold you in a way you didn't like and was just confused with all that was going on...etc Then suggest to him to ask Grandpa to only hold him a certain way next time.. etc Encourage your father and son to have a dialogue together etc...
                I totally understand!!!!!
                Actually, it wasn't so much the way he was holding him it was just the fact he was holding him that made him upset. The fact that he just scooped my DS up knowing DS doesn't even like to be touched by him was the problem. DS was scared in my dad's arms. Cradle hold didn't help either. Should have clarified sorry.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by naomifrederickmd View Post
                  When my father-in-law is trying to get my son to go do something he feels iffy about and my son is too shy to say anything I put words in his mouth "Owen might feel worried that you will hide again and scare him" or something. or "He might be worried you will hold him in that way again"
                  Not exactly a big ole "talk"... but a suggestion that something else is going on. Your father may have totally forgotten about that incident but the child has not!
                  I like that approach! I think I will try that as well. My poor dad doesn't always realize that DS is afraid & is not just pretend playing when my dad play scares him & such. I want my DS to trust his grandpa.

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                  • #10
                    I'm not going to answer this right now b/c my MIL just left after a very very rough week. And I don't want to be too harsh. But I wanted to off you some and understanding. Its soooooo rough when our families don't get it.

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