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time in and other methods?

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  • time in and other methods?

    What are some methods you use when you child's behavior is just getting the better of you? I really try (I guess not hard enough though) to not yell at my daughter. I make sure I speak to her clearly and give her reasons when I say no (not just "because I said so"). Also, we always talk about negative behaviors and some better choices. But sometimes I just can't help yelling! I never in my life thought of myself as a yeller. I've worked with kids forever, and I have a BA in child psychology. For example, today it was nap time. I always lay with her until she falls asleep, at nap time and before bed. Today however she just did not want to sleep, and she was so overtired. She just kept playing, and rubbing my arms/hair. It drove me nuts. So I ended up yelling at her after saying sweetly 100 times "addie, you need to go to sleep baby. you have a big afternoon with daddy" "addie, please try to rest" "close your eyes nicely, and rest like mommy" "mommy is tired, can you help me rest?" and so on...nothing worked. Then she cried hysterically and threw up after I yelled. I felt terrible
    so what do you guys do to keep from yelling, and how do you discipline and/or get your child to listen without yelling and timeouts?

  • #2
    Sometimes, before I get angry, I can remind myself that yelling dosn't work either and stop myself before the fact. I have yelled before in frustration but I know that this is MY issue not the kids. In your nap situation there seems to be NO answer that would of made her take her rest. I know it's frustrating because all you see is later when she is melting down in tiredness. Forcing compliance out of fear of yelling or any other fear based motivation is not good for the parent-child trust relationship. I know you don't feel good afterwards yelling too!

    I got a lot out of this book - Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime It has some practical, easy to read is short spurts ideas for those times. Here is the author's website -
    Quote from site -
    The trouble is that if you win by simply over-powering your child, you still feel lousy. There's little pleasure in victory when your child is left feeling resentful and angry. If you lose, it can feel even worse. Every family experiences power struggles. But these daily tugs of war are not inevitable.
    Another helpful link - Setting Limits with Young Children
    by Patty Wipfler

    I also found the techniques writen about in Playful Parenting to be great in thease situations. What if you just asked her to pretend to be asleep, like you are a mommy deer and she a baby and you are in the forrest...etc. This kind of stuff works suprisingly well at those times! It takes a lot of parental energy to get out of that frustration place but its really worth it. Check that book out!


    • #3
      Oh I so feel you on this one!!! I have always been someone who has prided myself on being calm and thoughtful when the going gets tough, but this parenting gig is seriously stretching me to my limits! DS is just about 19 months and is going through what can only be described as the 'terrible twos'. He refuses sleep, whines and cries almost constantly and has started some lovely habits like spitting and hitting. I am at my wits end TBH. We try tactics like Time In but he is still so little I dont think he gets what its all about, it does work for quietening his tantrums though as he is a very snuggly boy so having one on one time with Mum is always appreciated. I am at a loss as to what to do about the hitting and spitting though. I sound like a very tired and unenthusiastic broken record "We dont spit" "Please stop spitting" "Spitting is disgusting"..... ALL DAY. Then of course I have my family who all think that yanking him up by his arm and giving him a swift rap on the backside will solve the problem..... And I find myself wondering if they are right. I am totally against spanking and would never, but boy is it tempting at times. The most frustrating part is that he is only like this with me! When there are other people around he is a seriously lovey, happy, charming little man and everyone just loves him.... then they leave and I feel like I am trying to tame a lion with a tooth ache! And to top it all off I am pregnant and just not coping as well as perhaps I normally would.

      Ugh, I'm sorry for hijacking. I just started talking and couldnt stop.

      You are not alone. A lovely friend of mine with older children assures me its just a stage and that even though it feels like forever at the time its a relatively short lived phase. (I hope).

      One book that I loved about disciple is 'Adventures in Gentle Disciple by Hilary Flower'. I have got heaps of ideas and strength for keeping going with what we are doing....... even though at times it seem futile!


      • #4
        When ds gets like that, I usually rub his back and sing. This way, rather than being right next to him where play is easy, he is laying on his tummy and I am over him. Don't know if it would work for yours, but it can't hurt to try.


        • #5
          Children really get frustrated when not allowed to do what they want to. It's better that we cooly speak to them but it's very difficult to manage when out patience crosses the limits.


          • #6
            Very nice post with a ton of informative information. I really appreciate the fact that you approach these topics from a stand point of knowledge and information
            instead of the typical “I think” mentality that you see so much on the internet these days.


            • #7
              Sometimes in similar situations I've given myself a "time out". I would say "I feel frustrated so I'm going to leave for a minute, I'll be right back" or something like that. I think that's honest, and better than yelling. It's ok to get angry and frustrated, and you can use it as a opportunity to model appropriate handling of those feelings. I try to make sure that I do this without blame (as in NOT saying "you are making me angry")

              And sometimes it's ok to give up on the nap. Yes, it will be difficult later on, she'll be over-tired, there will be more struggles. But it's not worth compromising your relationship with her. At least that's what I tell myself