And I struggle sometimes. As we all do, I'm sure.
Bedtime and naptime are particularly hard lately, but when I'm honest I know that they have always been for her. Sleep just doesn't happen easily for her. She's extremely wakeful--even as a newborn she could (and would!) go for 8-10 hours without falling asleep--and interested in everything around her. That often precludes her from falling asleep easily.
We co-sleep, and I breastfeed on demand. She breastfeeds quite a bit still, which is fine with me. Sometimes I feel a bit tapped out physically, but generally we're negotiating all of that well.
Back to sleep . . .
Naptime has been better. Sometimes she's asleep in 15 minutes or so.
Bedtime can be a lot more. Tonight it was an hour and forty five minutes. And it's not just the time; it's the physicality of it. She rolls around, breastfeeds, rolls around trying to get comfortable, talks, asks for Daddy, asks for the cat, asks for the puppy, says "I love you," rolls around, kicks, breastfeeds, etc. etc. etc. You get the point.
And I just struggle with all of it right now. Away from it, I know that she's absolutely perfect just as she is. She's fine.
I'm not. And today both naptime and bedtime were not good, and I yelled at her.
And I feel so awful about it, like I'm just this terrible mother. Like I hurt her. Like she's going to be scared of me. And how unfair that I yell at her because I'm frustrated that she won't sleep. How unfair is that? It's awful.
The upshot of it all is that I'm stuck in this crazy cycle of sadness about my own childhood and how crazy my father and sometimes my mother actually were. They were inconsistent, and I was often confused and so sad and hurt about the way things were.
But I'm threatening to replicate it for my daughter, and it scares the hell out of me. Saying all of this is helpful, and that's a start. How do I move through this without catching her in the crossfire?
I just feel paralyzed. My husband says I'm too hard on myself and that if I heard myself, I'm not actually yelling. But the anger, the frustration, they don't have to have yelling behind them to be communicated. I just feel sick to think that she feels that from me when she needs to feel loving calmness while falling asleep and the rest of the day too.
I just feel awful about myself, and I'm so sad about potentially making her sad or scared of me.
Am I overreacting? Do I sound crazy?
I just needed to say all of this . . . any feedback, understanding, recommendations, etc. are welcome. Thanks for listening to my rant. It really did help to say it all out loud.