I try to reframe my thoughts: I am overwhelmed with this situation, I don't think badly of my daughter, this is anger. frustration etc.
I think, did I hold her leg down too hard? etc etc - can she sense these ugly thoughts at these moments. SOmetimes, I am fine, no thoughts. Yet, when I do have them, they really bother me. When she has meltdowns, most of the time, I blame myself and want to disappear or think she would be better off without me. I am scared I will call her a horrible name - I never do this, have never done this with anyone in my family or even my husband - well, maybe twice with him, but this is NOT in my nature. I am NOT a resentful, bitter, negative, angry person at all. I feel I have become one and I feel dreadful for calling my daughter names in my head or thinking I am going to yell at her or something - I was not yelled, spanked or anything when I was a child. I am not sure where this is coming from, apart from sheer exhaustation and burn out.
Did I handle the foot kicking thing wrong? Does anyone else have these thoughts? what can I do? Is our rship damaged?
Help needed and appreciated. THANK YOU. xx