So, I yell extremely rarely - I have done, I have banged objects, I have stormed etc - but I wouldn't say this is the default button. I am a v patient, attentive mother, even when struggling on the inside. However, I do have a nasty habit of muttering things under my breath, and gritting/grinding my teeth - I think sometimes, I don't realize this, sometimes I do - the muttering I realize, I am usually saying something unsavoury or quielty swearing to myself as a release..... but, I think my daughter picks up this energy and I also have noticed just recently, she will grind her teeth and also snarl at me. I feel extremely responsible for this, in fact, in the past 2 weeks, she has seemed very very angry with me periodically - although, I have to say we did stop nursing 2 wks ago....she was slowing down anyway and has hardly mentioned it, but I wonder if it is about this - or is it about my mutterings....
I sometimes say, 'do you need me to leave, do you need time?" or "you must feel bad inside to be like that towards Mummy" (pushing/hitting me in a kind of subtle way/shouting things at me - naughty Mummy, Silly Mummy (both words I do not use by the way - not even internally). they say them at nursery and all my friends do the naughty step etc....
so: few theories:
nursery school frustrations? (they report she is kind, 'naturally empathetic' to her friends, caring for the crying children, doesn't yell or hit and is bright, advanced in many areas and has a good group of friends and follows their routine) that she saves for home because she feels safe to show me anger - we talk about feeling quite a bit and I laso always aologise if I've been out of line?
my anger being reflected back at me?
3.5 yr old 'phase' of exerting independence and experimenting with different emotions?
angry about not nursing?
angry she doesn't see her Dad - we are in the UK and he is in Brazil... (although he is American, where we used to live for 9 yrs)?
all of the above.
HELLLLLP! I don't feel I am a bad mother, but help me not do these mutterings... one day I am sure to say it out loud or help me change this energy. I feel alone with parenting and I feel really alone with all of this.
Much Love x