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What do you do when your kids get angry?

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  • What do you do when your kids get angry?

    So I have this on going issue with the way my husband responds when our 6 1/2 year old son gets angry...

    For instance, the other day, our son became angry because he became frustrated while I was trying to help with his homework. He groaned and stomped up to his room to be alone. My husband wasn't home at the time. I allowed our son to be alone for a bit, then I went to talk to him.

    Later, when my husband came home, and I told him what happened, he said, "Well, if I was here he would have gotten a spanking!" He thinks all my Attachment Parenting is making our son too soft!

    Anyway, I hate when he threatens to spank. He has only actually spanked our son twice. Both times our son was having temper tantrums due to being over tired or provoked. I was present for both occasions, but couldn't stop the spankings.

    Most of the time, if I sense my husband brewing up for a spanking, I remove the kids as far away as possible. I've explained to our sons that while I was spanked as a child, I don't believe it is the best solution to the problem. It might seem to work well when the kids are little, but it wont last when they get bigger.

    Anyway, I told my husband that I thought our son's way of dealing with anger was appropriate. I get angry. He gets angry. We yell. We stomp our feet. We want to be alone. So why shouldn't we let him behave this way. How should he behave?

    Why is it that so many grown ups expect children to never be angry? Why to they want to spank and punish them for being angry?
    Don't kids have a right to be angry or frustrated?

    How do your kids deal with anger?
    How do you handle it when your kids get angry?

  • #2
    wow, that would be really tough being so misaligned w/your spouse about parenting. i'm sorry you are in such a rough spot. i don't know that i have the answers for why people don't let kids have expressed anger, but i'm guessing that it has a lot to do w/the fact that their own childhood anger was repressed.

    i don't believe that there are any wrong emotions. we all have the right to feel whatever we want. we don't have the right to hurt others, but as long as our expressions are not hurting any one or anything, we have no rules about how to act. now, as my kids get older, i try to help them w/words to connect to their feelings b/c being able to express your feelings is the best way to get your needs met. so when my son starts screaming, i say, "are you feeling angry?" and when he says yes, i say "tell me 'i feel angry because _____." sometimes he needs time to get the scream out, so i step back and wait for him to be done before helping him use his words.

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    • #3
      Thanks for the response Pax...Im really getting some good information here. Anything will help me prepare for my new baby!

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      • #4
        I know that at times when I get angry or upset I just want to be alone so when my son (6.5) does the same thing, I let him be. Sometimes he hangs out in his room for a few minutes and other times much, much longer.

        Afterwards he usually comes to me and we talk about it, to help put words to the feelings. The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk is one of my favorite books and really presents the information in an easy-to-read and implement way.

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        • #5
          Okay, so a new angry moment

          So my techy husband decided to beg my mom for the 1984 original Nintendo game that she saved from when I was a kid. Of course, she willingly passed it on to us.

          However, I was not ready to accept a video game into our house! Our sons are 6.5 and 2 years old! Of course, our 6 year old son was thrilled. And he enjoys watching and learning from his dad.

          My problem is that the 2 year old son keeps trying to pull the cords and interrupts the game and they are always calling me to stop what I am doing to take the baby away! And now my 6 year old is getting so frustrated that he is having anger issues. He totally tore apart a cardboard box after the game didn't go as he wanted.

          Of course, a cardboard box isn't valuable, but it was a big deal to me! I told him games are supposed to make you happy and if that game was causing him that much anger and frustration, then he didn't need to play it anymore. And I told him games like that are intended for older kids, so Daddy shouldn't have asked for it yet. I didn't even get the game until I was 12! That's twice as old as our son!

          So anyway, I had a serious talk with my husband after our sons were in bed. I told him that if our son has one more anger outburst, I am removing the game from sight. He understood but was already having game withdrawal symptoms. I told him he could pay on the weekends or after the kids went to bed.

          Why do these things keep happening to me! Ha! How many children do I have again? Was it two or three!?!

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          • #6
            maybe you could say something like "it's okay to be angry and frustrated, but it's not okay to destroy things. the next time you get angry, i really want to hear about it. come and get me and we can talk about your feelings and try to figure out a way to help you." this way you're giving him ideas for how to handle his anger that reach farther than just the video game, but applicable to anytime he's angry.

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            • #7
              I am borrowing this! Great advice.

              Originally posted by PaxMamma View Post
              maybe you could say something like "it's okay to be angry and frustrated, but it's not okay to destroy things. the next time you get angry, i really want to hear about it. come and get me and we can talk about your feelings and try to figure out a way to help you." this way you're giving him ideas for how to handle his anger that reach farther than just the video game, but applicable to anytime he's angry.

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