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    somehow I feel like I just want everything straight all the time, so it leads me to spend less time resting when my baby is and more time making sure I'm keeping things picked up- and I'm always trying to find a more efficient way to stay organized. I suppose it is getting better cause I only have to tidy up once or twice a day and stay on top of dishes, laundry, floors mostly a couple times a week. Yet, I do find myself not having enough energy to really focus on enriching my DS's day to the extent that both of us would like to. Still, I find myself wanting to clean when I should be focusing on spending time with my 8 week old.(Besides being lugged around in the sling while mama cooks, sweeps, waters the yard, etc.).I think, maybe, the projected expectations of others on me, unsaid or not, reflect my feelings about my own house. Being that i am a SAHM for the first time in my life having worked almost full time since I was 15 years old, and learning to set my own comfort level with things. Also, DH has never had to pick up much growing up and in these past couple years of our marriage while we were childless, and I feel like I'm imposing by asking him for help when he has just worked a 10hr shift. Then when I am burned out from all day of cleaning and taking care of our beautiful, alert, sweet baby boy, I feel somewhat resentful towards his father.

    Sorry had to vent about this a bit. Thanks

  • #2
    Originally posted by MrsPooh View Post
    somehow I feel like I just want everything straight all the time, so it leads me to spend less time resting when my baby is and more time making sure I'm keeping things picked up- and I'm always trying to find a more efficient way to stay organized. I suppose it is getting better cause I only have to tidy up once or twice a day and stay on top of dishes, laundry, floors mostly a couple times a week. Yet, I do find myself not having enough energy to really focus on enriching my DS's day to the extent that both of us would like to. Still, I find myself wanting to clean when I should be focusing on spending time with my 8 week old.(Besides being lugged around in the sling while mama cooks, sweeps, waters the yard, etc.).I think, maybe, the projected expectations of others on me, unsaid or not, reflect my feelings about my own house. Being that i am a SAHM for the first time in my life having worked almost full time since I was 15 years old, and learning to set my own comfort level with things. Also, DH has never had to pick up much growing up and in these past couple years of our marriage while we were childless, and I feel like I'm imposing by asking him for help when he has just worked a 10hr shift. Then when I am burned out from all day of cleaning and taking care of our beautiful, alert, sweet baby boy, I feel somewhat resentful towards his father.

    Sorry had to vent about this a bit. Thanks
    I could not help but see myself in your post and had to respond..
    I too worked since the time I was 16 before I had my first born and was ending my career of long hours and no family time and I was an immaculate house cleaner.

    Try allowing yourself this time to be free of the cleaning mode you are used too..look to it as a time that truly is acceptable to not have things perfect. Pick two things you want to maintain and let the rest go.

    Your husband is a parent too and his 10 hour work days should not impact you asking for help. You need to communicate your needs now to your husband as he may not even be aware of how you are feeling. Those feelings you are having can become very bitter and turn sour on you pretty quickly when you are burned ou, so be aware that your needs are very important here too in addition to your baby's.
    You are working 24 hours a day 7 days a week. In addition to caring for a husband who is child like. I know as I live with this too and it is not am easy feat.

    Please see if you can get a mothers helper to come in and relieve you for sometime for you to get a rest.

    feel free to PM me.
    I am going to move your post to infancy too to get you more support.

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    • #3
      Still, I find myself wanting to clean when I should be focusing on spending time with my 8 week old.(Besides being lugged around in the sling while mama cooks, sweeps, waters the yard, etc.).
      You know, I bet this is very interesting to a 8wk old!

      I am NOT a cleaner so really can't give advice to those that feel compelled to clean. Hubby is in charge of dishes, trash and carrying laundry, so if that is not done it is his own fault!
      Get some real time support! and meanwhile---We are here for you!

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      • #4
        Why do you feel like you want things straight all the time? Do you want to clean or do you feel like you have to clean? Do you want a perfectly neat and tidy home or do you feel like you should because you are a SAHM? How important is this to you? To your husband?

        I ask because I thought I should have a perfectly neat and tidy home, even though the two of us could not care less. It was an expectation I adopted from my mom and a few other cultural things that I finally got over.

        Some people find cleaning to be very comforting and soothing because it is something they a) can control and b) can see instant results from, among other reasons.

        As children age, it is much harder to balance the goal of cleanliness and tidiness since kids seem to just love destroying a perfectly straighten room, and don't even get me started about what happens when they self-feed, begin to unleash their inner artist or demolition expert.

        I encourage you to be gentle and kind to yourself. He's 8 weeks old. There isn't really all that much enrichment you can do with him, but there is a lot you can do for you right now. You can easily become very active in a moms group, still go out with ease to cafes, shops, art galleries, etc. Whatever you like to do, you can do now. As they get older, it is much harder. If what you enjoy doing is cleaning, there is nothing wrong with that. Just know as children age, some of these priorities shift and you'll need to shift accordingly at that time.

        For your husband, I understand how you feel like you are imposing. You aren't. It's his home too. You work 24/7, he's only working 10 h/ day. Would it be helpful if you guys agree on some set things he can be in charge of every week so that it's more manageable and he can choose when he does it? For us, we agreed DH would be in charge of evening dishes, cat stuff, cleaning bathrooms, and garbage.
        Last edited by apelilae; 06-28-2008, 03:55 PM.

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        • #5
          I just wanted to say I can relate so much to what you are saying. Not having my house clean and in order all the time drives me crazy. At the same time having to keep my house clean and in order all the time drives me crazy. I don't have any advice really because I still haven't figured out how to deal with it. Just wanted to say you aren't alone and hang in there.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by MrsPooh View Post
            I feel like I'm imposing by asking him for help when he has just worked a 10hr shift. Then when I am burned out from all day of cleaning and taking care of our beautiful, alert, sweet baby boy, I feel somewhat resentful towards his father.
            Being a SAHM with an infant is work. You're constantly attending to your child's needs while cleaning up after everyone. Your husband may work a 10 hr shift but your work never ends and you both need to understand that. You two could start by sitting down and picking a few things that he can do to help with housework. Mine vacuums and takes out the trash once or twice a week. Also, I cook dinner so he'll do the dishes & I do the laundry so he'll help put it away. This all happened little by little but if you two can start out with 1 or 2 things he can do around the house it'll help.

            Comment


            • #7
              It's tough, I know. I go through spurts of feeling like I need everything in order and for me it directly relates to when I feel stressed over finances or if I just wasted time looking for something. I can be obsessive over my cleaning and need it to be perfect so because of that I tend to not clean. Since I can't get it perfect why bother, or "ugh, where do I even start". Thankfully since my son has been born I've been both more relaxed about cleaning and also more efficient about it. I'm more willing to do as many dishes as I can while he is happily jumping and not worry that I might not have a totally clean kitchen at the end. I also am more willing to accept that the best I can do is sweep the bathroom floor while he is rolling around on it. Then in the evening if I really feel like I need to clean MY way, then hubby entertains the baby and I clean faster than a speeding bullet and accept that it won't be perfect. And like someone already suggested I have my "hot" spots, my clean first rooms. For me, its the bathroom and the kitchen. The bathroom is a clean thing. The kitchen is more a time saving/organization thing for me. How can I cook in my free 20 minutes if I have to wash dishes first...just an example.

              Anyway, I second the get hubby more involved advice. If it puts it in a different perspective for you, mine works 8 hours and he walks the dog, feeds the cat, mows, vacuums, dishes, cooks, baby care, puts his own laundry away, grocery shopping, errands...and other things I'm sure I'm forgetting and if I would release control of some other things he would do that too. Basically he just does what needs to be done and I do what I can do while still having a happy baby. My hubby is looking for a second job and things will have to shift for us, but he will still pitch in when he isn't working...either with caring for our babe or with housework, whichever makes the most sense in the moment.

              Hang in there, it is tough I know. Also be gentle with yourself and accept that this is all a work in progress. How I feel now is not how I felt when my babe was 8 weeks old. At 8 weeks old I still had a strong, strong need for a cozy and organized nest...but my hubby and mom were the ones that made that happen, not me.

              Babe is up so no time to proof, hope it all made sense!

              Comment


              • #8
                thanks for your kind words

                Well, gosh, I lost my password and its been 3 mos almost since Ive
                been on here- I've rediscovered my love for gardening and happily, DS has discovered a love for being outside! It's just the thing to calm the fussy bored little guy...

                He is almost 5 months now and there's definitely been a shift in the way I look at things. I just try my best to clean as I go and do what I can while I can. When daddy gets home from work, he is always more than happy to give LO all the attention and love he needs so Mama can get to a couple important things before we settle down to spend our time together as a family.

                in retrospect, I think my cleaning was a compulsion driven my my desire to, as a young new mom, prove to everyone else and myself that I "have it all under control". I also feel it stems from a guilt I have over not being able to support the family financially as well, and feeling like I always have to compensate by being the "perfect" wife. Its emotionally exhausting- and now that our little guy is scooting around on the ground and not taking nearly as many naps during the day as I would like him to, I need all the emotional energy I can get.

                Somehow, things will get done. DH does take the trashes out, help with vacuuming and dishes when asked, and does some of the yardwork too. I guess babies aren't the only ones that can have a difficult time with transitions!

                Now to work on the hardest issue- keeping connected to DH and balancing the needs of my family...

                the juggle continues!

                much love and thanks

                MrsPooh

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                • #9
                  glad you are feeling better about things. recognizing our internal issues is often the biggest hurdle!

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