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Balance

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  • Balance

    I've always struggled with intamacy. My mom was raised by a refrigerator mom. Hugs we're never given. My mom did her best to break this habit but in my older years (7 and older) affection was only really given if going away for a long time or very sick. I ended up seeking affection in the wrong places and getting hurt. My dh who has been supportive through all of my healing has always been patient with me. Now that I have a lo of my own i want to give her as much affection as she needs. Which is a lot as I've been blessed with a high-needs baby. She rarely seeks comfort from anyone but me. Not from lack of my dh trying. All though not compleatly touched out i don't really feel like curling up on the couch with my dh like we use to. Often times when he's able to play with her i grab my bath, get some dishes done, supper, laundry etc. When I'm busy with her my dh is usually playing on the computer (after he asks if i mind him being immersed in a game for a couple of hours). I think we've been intamate 2 since my dd birth. How does a baby wearing, co-sleeping (she will only sleep in my arms and is easily woken), ap mom be intatimate. I like to keep her close so asking someone to babysit is out of the question. I would be too anxious to even focus on my dh. We've put her in the swing the 2 times and let her look at the leaves on the trees but i feel neclectful and rush everything to get it over as quick as possible. I realize that it's affecting my husband greatly as he's started making comments about it. I'm attempting to move back into our room (i moved into another bed for a variety of reasons one being for him to get a good night sleep) to hopefully mend some of the feelings of neglect i think my husband is experience. I just don't know how to balance my dh and my dd. Any suggestions?

  • #2
    Its funny, with my first baby, I was never "touched out" but now with my second I really feel it!
    Then the poor cat tries to come over and get some pets and I am DONE being affectionate!
    It is hard to balance the 'intimate' duties in there. We snuck away with the baby in the middle of the bed and laid on the floor on a blanket so that the baby would not be woken up, but so I was still near in case he woke up.
    My worst hang up is body image and that is only because of my distorted belly!
    Just keep trying new things, places, times etc....
    You will get it back!

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    • #3
      Your story could be describing my life and parenting situation! For a minute there, I had to stop and think, "Wait, is this my post?" The whole thing...your experience with your own mother, getting touched out, high needs baby, intimacy with DH, etc...

      It does get easier as kids grow and they become less dependent on you. Time does start to magically reappear!

      Originally posted by smurfsammy View Post
      We've put her in the swing the 2 times and let her look at the leaves on the trees but i feel neclectful and rush everything to get it over as quick as possible.
      I just wanted to say that that's OK! The swing, I mean. I know as AP moms, we understand the need for and importance of connection & closeness between baby & mom, but it sounds like you need a break...an actual physical break. And you say that although a babysitter would give you some time that you need, she won't stay with anyone but you. Totally hear you there! But how did she do in the swing? You rushed to get back to her, but how was she? Despite your feelings of guilt, did it give you some time & a physical break?

      I'd say that if she was OK for a bit in the swing, use that when you need it! We are a very attached family and with our high needs baby, our swing was a lifesaver. We didn't use it a lot, but for the same reason you posted...time for my husband and I to be together. We also had a pretty good routine going, and there was a time every night that worked well to swaddle her and let her sleep in the swing a bit until we could mover her to bed. Just enough time for us to watch some TV, talk, cuddle...whatever .

      So, I say do what you need to to help you and your husband feel "on track". It's all about maintaining balance, right? And, it might be hard at first, but try not to feel guilty for taking some time for yourself(ves). If the swing can help you do that, ultimately your baby benefits because she has a mamma (and daddy) who feels balanced.

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      • #4
        Been there!

        HI Smurfsammy,

        I want to say that I have been there and completely understand. When I am burnt out or just not in the right mood I am completely touched out to where if a cat even jumps on me I need it off right away... LOL. I used to feel that anytime dh would come near me or touch me it was because he wanted to be intimate and that was just "another thing for me to do" that day wasn't for me.

        I started doing things with my refluxing daughter that were things I truly enjoyed doing. I started listening to music I enjoyed while swinging in the sling with her... belting out those tunes; I started taking walks that were for the surroundings around me and not for the purpose of exercise; I started taking naps with her (yes, even sitting up with her) so that I could get some time. When I took a shower in the evening or morning when dh was home, I really used the time to enjoy the scents of my body wash and to soak in the peacefulness of right then and there. I also talked with dh about the load I had during the day and we had decided that things around the house didn't need to be spic-and-span, that he could do dinners or we could keep very simple, and quick meals so that I could focus my energy on taking care of my daughter and myself.

        As for the intimacy, once I started giving a little to myself and unloading my expectations I was able to think of a compromise with dh. I worked it out that if dh would give me gentle touches during the week day evening that wouldn't lead to anything (back rubs, feet massages, neck rubs, etc.) that then I would be more willing and desiring of him on the weekend.

        I also talked with dh about his expectations and he just began to understand after a few months that the baby was more important on the totem pole and then me and that this was just a short season until she was older. My dd is now 4.5 years old and we just said last night how lucky we feel to have our time back and our intimacy has grown.

        So, hang in there and think of some innovative ways to get some balance. As your baby becomes older, you'll slowly get more and more time as long as you keeping thinking of it 5 minutes at a time

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