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  • New adn Confused

    Hi out there
    I am sussing out these forums so as to find some solace and sanity!
    I have a 10 week old daughter and i had all of these ideals of being a wonderful attached family.... Well in reality it has not gone to plan...
    Birth was less than ideal, I had her at home with hubby, mum, best friend and wonderful midwife however she spun posterior not matter how much we did to spin her back and labor was 39 hours and I felt I had failed
    Breast feeding didn't get off on good start, she wouldn't latch as I think she had a very sore head (had bruising) so had to use nipple shield until 8 weeks which made her very windy and in pain after every feed so we would be winding her constantly so that she could be comfortable.
    I wore her in a moby wrap from day one, however she doesn't like sleeping in bed even with us now she is used to wrap => I dont get any rest unless hubby is home to wear her(he works full time (for survival) as I am not working and mine was main income)
    Co-sleeping was ok when hubby made a side cart to our bed so she can snuggle with me when awake/settling but is separate (10cm away from me) while sleeping as she will only sleep when exhausted herself with crying (wont nurse to sleep ) She wakes on average every hour or so to feed for about 2-5min, sometimes if we're lucky she will sleep for 4 hours! feels like heaven however I'm so wired now I can't sleep!
    And to make this more challenging I have to return to seeing clients for 11 hours/week in 2 weeks! (if i don't we cant pay mortgage/eat etc and I would have to close my business) I see clients at home however as a chiropractor I can't wear her and see clients and she is certainly not content without human contact...
    I have a lovely sister in law who follows (gulp) 'the baby whisperer' techniques religiously and has two wonderful settled happy healthy intelligent girls (youngest only 3 1/2 months older than my girl) I can't help but think is my girl not suited to attachment style? when I compare my screaming, angry, snuffly with a cold baby who wont have cuddles with her grandparents to my sister in law's girls I am wondering where I went wrong???
    I feel like an absolute failure and the balance principle has escaped my grasp...
    Many thanks

  • #2
    Please hear me when I say you are allowed to mourn your birth. It didn't turn out the way you envisioned and the grief you have from your birth experience is valid. Becoming a mother is a significant life event and when you combine that with postpardum hormones and money stresses we are bound to feel overwhelmed. I too had a rough start with my first child...including an unnecessary c-section and the baby not nursing for 2 weeks (fed by feeding tube on our finger). I totally empathise with you! How our parenting started does not mean we cannot be AP. This book/site - Birthing From Within has some great exercises to process birth experience in it.

    Some children prefer less touching then others. Listening to their preferences is AP. Neither of my sons really liked slings or wraps untill they were a little older (my first son only liked a mei-tai and then after 4mo, my second liked the wrap at 3 months for a few weeks then the mei-tai) . AP is not checking off a list of behaviors but being flexible, connected and sensitive. Please loosen up your expectations of yourself. You are a great mom! Throw away your preconceived ideas about parenting and listen to your baby and your families needs. Please don't compare your children to any other family. Each child- each family is different.

    Please keep coming back here and find some local people that are AP freindly to support your parenting skills!


    • #3
      Welcome to the API Forums. Those first few months with my oldest were filled with ups and downs. I agree with what Naomi said about throwing away preconceived notions and follow your baby's cues as well as your individual and family needs. This could simply be your baby's temperament and all the baby whispering in the world wouldn't make a difference.

      Does she nap during the day? Can you lie down when she does? Do you have a friend or family member who could come over so you could get a rest. My mom would watch my son so I could get just an hour nap and that one hour made a huge difference.

      Again, welcome to the forums.


      • #4
        Thank you both very much for your feedback, the encouragement and reassurance is hugely appreciate
        The point about following baby's cues still challenges me a little.
        My daughter had a wonderful experience with a telepathic little girl who was telling me things of my daughter's birth which I had told no-one so I believe she was hooked in to what my daughter wanted. I wish she lived with me!!!! I find it very hard to read my daughter, most of the time when I think I'm following a cue such as 'hunger', tired' 'want cuddle' etc I can often upset her more as I have got it wrong and she gets really angry.... Is this cue reading just a time and familiarity thing? I have previously felt attuned to people around me especially close loved ones.. I almost feel blocked out from what she wants!
        the local LLL is the closest thing to an AP support group in my area, I find their weekly catch up really refreshing!
        Many thanks!


        • #5
          She does nap during day but really only for 10-20min at a time unless in moby wrap...


          • #6
            She's only 10 weeks old? You are still figuring each other out. I admit that I am not the best with infants and feel a bit lost too at first. That does not mean you are not making headway! My second is now 18mo and I feel like this is my favorite age!
            That first 6 months babies are changing so quickly, constantly growing and needing! Again, remind yourself that you are doing your best. Get around those mothers at LLL more. Invite a few over and compare notes. I think many new mother's feel that way about infants and feel that they should be more attuned to be a good mother.
            Let go of the mommy guilt!

            Do a forum search on napping and you might find some threads with ideas on how you can get her to nap more --- but maybe that's how she wants to nap right now!