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  • Doubts

    Hi all, that's my first post here. I have a 2yo and a very difficult birth ending in an emergency section. breastfeeding was very hard for the first 8 weeks, however I still do it now. We also co-sleep and babywear. He's very independent and confident when we are at the playgroups but very clingy when I talk to somebody or doesn't have my attention. He's more needy than he was as a baby. I started to run off resources and get really tired and stressed out. Altogether I have no social life. BF and co-sleeping is not always a pleasure anymore. I thought to stop but he would be very upset and I can't handle crying too well. So I prefer to keep going even if it's not convenient for me anymore. However, that got me into a bit of depression and I ask myself at this stage if the AP really works for us. I started to regret I did AP after he was 1. Maybe I should have got him slowly to his rooms and introduce him to bottle from the start. My intimate life with my husband suffers too. We never went out just the two of us in 2 years. He's not used to stay with anybody and we are not living in the home country so we don't have extended family around. I wonder if the AP really worked for me. I started to look for a creche as I really think he would be better of there than with me at home to be honest. Sorry for the rant but just interested to see if anybody else has been in a similar situation and what to do. I honestly, at this stage I regret doing AP. Thank you!

  • #2
    I think that it's completely natural for parents to question whether they are making the right choices. Sometimes it's hard to see the end when you're in the middle of difficult times. It sounds like you are wanting more balance in your life. Are you able to get any support from a local API support group or a circle of friends? I know it's hard to believe, but this time with your toddler won't last forever. I can hardly remember my boys being that little, it goes so fast. Don't worry, things will get better.


    • #3
      I agree, it's very natural to question yourself from time to time in any parenting journey, no matter whether you chose AP or another parenting approach! This is a time of great transition for you and your husband, and developmentally, your child is right on target. He is having healthy development!

      Try to enjoy this time. It does go by so quickly! Try to let go of expectations, as two years old is really still very small and they oh-so-need their parents at this time. It's a time when they're both stepping out on their own and coming back for reassurance, and some days, your child will seem to be more clingy than others.

      Do you have an API Support Group nearby? If not, what about a La Leche League group or a natural parenting group? This is a way for you to socialize with like-minded parents with your children nearby. API Leaders are also wonderful people to talk to, whether for parenting support or as a friend. If you don't have an API Leader nearby to meet with in person, try calling or emailing the closest API Leader, even if not in driving distance.

      And yes, parenthood is a transition. There are ways to have "dates" with your husband without leaving home. After your child falls asleep at night, you can slip off for some alone or couple time. Or, during naptime or early in the morning. Try surprising your husband with little kisses and surprises -- the spontaneity, even in small doses, can help a lot during this time of transition.


      • #4
        overwhelmed by AP

        Dear BeMa,

        I strongly recommend that you find an APi group or call to talk to someone who understands the eight principles of AP. I agree with the previous responses that we all question our choices as parents at times and it is normal and natural. It is also normal to feel overwhelmed by a needy baby/toddler if you have gotten a bit off balance. What you need to regain healthy balance depends on your personality, your unique situation, and your perception of yourself. I am the kind of person who likes to please - or some might say I have a hard time saying no and creating healthy boundaries for myself! Because of that , I was rarely able to gently solicit help from my husband BEFORE I was desperate. And by the time I was desperate, he felt overwhlemed by my emotion. The transition to parenting and maintaining a healthy partnership can take some time and very intentional communication.

        Keep coming back here for support and inspiration if you do not find a local API group or LLL. Empathy from someone who has already been there can be worth gold! Venting to someone who will not judge you can give you the space you need to take a big fresh breath of air and find your joy again.

        If you have a Facebook account, that can help ,too! There are many API groups online that you can draw support from.

        Ashburn API


        • #5
          I am sorry you're feeling this stress. Try to hone in on the connection you have with your child because of AP, perhaps. I agree with the person above, that you are desperately seeking balance, which has been my most difficult principle. I have only had 2 dates in the past 2+ years. It has come very slowly. The first date, our daughter was playing outside with a babysitter, while we enjoyed a beautiful brunch at a restaurant. The second date, we were able to leave her with Grandma at a park for 2 hrs. It is because of our attachment that I believe that our dates will continue to happen more often and without a glitch. Our daughter doesn't even bat an eyelash because she is ready, secure, trusting and that gives me great joy so I can truly enjoy my dates. We do not have API here yet but I have met LOTS of mamas through our moms groups with whom I have found some commonality. I hope you will find some respite soon. When you are able to get balance, you can help your child get what he needs without resenting your decisions or his preferences.