Daddy Has Stopped Calling and Coming For Visits

[Plumsmum]

HELP! 3.5 year old DD
I have mixed feelings over this one.
My exhusband has abandoned our daughter. He only came once a month for a weekend but would call everyday. She would run away from the phone screaming "I don't want to talk to him, I don't like him" etc...and trying to get her to talk on the computer to him was about the same although on some random days she would talk to him and they would play games via the computer.

Since he was placed on probation (for 5 years for violating our decree) he has dropped off the face of the earth. Well our world.

My daughter hasn't really asked for him...she's talked about him but hasn't asked to call or talk to him.

I don't know how to prepare her for this. I have to say our life is so much more peaceful. I want her to know it is not her fault.

Ideas?

[PaxMamma]

i don't have experience with this, so i hesitate to offer any advice. it sounds like she feels strongly connected to you and that she is okay without the disruption of a virtual stranger. i think she's a lucky girl to have such a caring mom!

[apmommy]

Hi Plumsmom,

I have thought of you & your DD often, and have wondered how you are doing.

First, breathe, and pat yourself on the back for being there for your daughter and for loving her and caring for her *so much* that you don't want her to experience any pain.

That said, sadly, life is full of perceived pain, and part of the beauty of being a mom is that you get to BE THERE for your daughter to process it.

You mentioned that she didn't like talking with him, and hasn't asked for him or to talk to him. Remember: there is no reality, only perception, hence "perceived pain." It seems like your perception is that your heart is broken for your daughter, as you want her dad to be there for her. It also seems that her perception is that, cool, that stranger dude isn't here, I get to have 1-on-1 time with my Mommy. My heart was broken, too, as my STBX daily showed that he cared little for our small children, and enormously for himself. But they didn't seem to notice or mind or have the perception that I did. Also, my heart was broken that I initiated the divorce, thereby throwing them into 2 houses. But they thought it was cool to have TWO homes.

Remember to be in the moment with her and reflect back what she says, to listen intently for her meaning. She will probably ask one day about him, as she notices that he is not around and other kids have daddies. My parents are addicts and abusive, so I don't see them. Every once in awhile my kids will ask if I have parents, and I say "yes, would you like to see pictures?" They usually do, and enjoy it. Keep it short and simple and age appropriate.

and if and when she does ask if it's her fault, you already have the right answer. and you can tell her so over & over again, and tell her how much you love her. Some big people just can't be mommies or daddies; it's just how they are made, and has nothing, NOTHING to do with their children.

Feel free to PM me, anytime.

<big hug!!>

apmommy